FAQs: What is OK?
Understanding relationships, boundaries and laws

Everyone engages in many forms of relationships - relationships with the server in your favorite restaurant, a teacher or boss, neighbor, friends, and romantic partners. Relationships are an important part of life. Healthy and safe relationships help us feel better connected in the world and less alone, and they can allow us to explore who we are and how we feel about ourselves. 

Healthy and safe relationships also mean that boundaries – personal and legal boundaries – are respected throughout the relationship. Everyone has happier, more fulfilling relationships when they understand boundaries and act legally and safely. 

At the other end of the relationship spectrum are harmful and abusive relationships. When you don’t understand or ignore boundaries and laws that are specific and relevant to our personal relationships, you risk behaving harmfully and abusively - you risk hurting others, as well as yourself. You can take steps to create a safer and healthier relationship for yourself and your partner.

It’s OK to ask questions. Here are the most common ones we hear:

Have more questions? Text, chat or call our helpline

What is consent?

This is such an important question – and everyone should be asking it! Consent is a clear and enthusiastic YES between two or more people, indicating permission to do something. Consent to engage in any sexual behavior with another person is critical to give and to get before starting any sexual activity.  

Consent is more than just a legal obligation, it is a way to ensure respect and physical and emotional safety for both you and the other person. 

Consent must always be freely given, without force, manipulation, or threats. Consent is an ongoing conversation that should happen every time people engage in sexual activity. And a person has the right to change their mind at any time! Just because someone said YES before, doesn’t mean that they will next time. 

Consent never involves assumptions about the other person’s wants and needs. It is important to talk openly with your sexual partner about boundaries and expectations for sex, including what sexual things you are both comfortable with and which ones might be off the table. To be clear - NO means NO, AND if you do not hear a YES, then this is a NO.

Do you have more questions? Reach out to our helpline for free, confidential support from our expert counselors. 

Our blogs: “Why does consent matter?”, “Can my girlfriend agree to sex if she is 15?”, and “Can people say no without actually saying it?” give some more insight into the importance and scope of consent. 

What is sexual abuse?

We have been getting a lot of questions lately from people wondering about what is considered sexual abuse, so we thought it would be important to start a conversation about it because we figured that many others probably have that same question.

First, it’s important to know that sexual abuse can include both touching and non-touching behaviors that cross a person’s boundaries and happen without their permission or consent. Sexual abuse can occur between an adult and a minor (someone under the age of 18), two minors, or even two adults.

Here is some additional information about consent:

Child Sexual Abuse

All sexual touching, looking or showing between an adult and a child or teen who is under the age of consent is sexual abuse. This includes an adult touching a child’s genitals, making a child touch someone else’s genitals, playing sexual games, and/or putting objects or body parts inside the vulva or vagina, in the mouth, or in the anus of a child for sexual pleasure.

Non-touching abuse includes showing pornography to a child, exposing a person’s genitals, like their penis, vagina, breasts or butt, to a child, prostituting/trafficking a child, taking pictures or videos of a child in sexual poses, encouraging a child to watch or hear sexual acts either in person or on a video, and/or watching a child undress or use the bathroom for sexual pleasure.

Minor-to-minor sexual abuse

Sexual abuse can also happen between people who are both minors – either younger kids or teens. In general, a relationship or sexual activity can be abusive when one kid is significantly older, physically larger, or there are other developmental, physical, or cognitive differences between the two minors, such as one youth being more advanced intellectually or having some type of disability.

Also - and this is really critical - any sexual activity that happens between kids and teens who are close in age that happens without consent or that happens because of threats and manipulation is abuse. This means that if a youth bullies someone, pressures someone, guilt trips someone into being sexual- this is abusive. This can include being forced to watch someone else engaging in sexual behaviors, even if these are images and not in real life.

CSAM

“Child pornography,” now referred to as “child sexual abuse material” (CSAM), is another form of sexual abuse. This includes any images or videos of a minor engaging in any type of sexual behavior at all - whether they are by themselves or with others. Creating, distributing, or watching CSAM is a crime.

No one under the age of 18 can give their legal consent to be in this material. This is true even if both people sharing the images are minors. Check out our FAQ: Is CSAM legal, healthy, or okay to watch? to learn more.

Sex Trafficking

Sex trafficking is another form of sexual abuse, and it may also be referred to as “commercial sexual exploitation.” Sex trafficking is when a youth or adult is forced to participate in sexual acts in exchange for things like food, shelter or drugs. Check out our FAQ: What is sex trafficking to learn more.

Online Extortion

When an adult or older teen communicates online with a child or younger teen in a way that is unsafe or inappropriate this can be considered sexually abusive. This is sometimes referred to as online “grooming” or “enticement” - and includes engaging in sexual conversations or role-plays, or requests to meet in person with the intention of crossing a sexual boundary.

When someone is specifically asking for sexually explicit images from a child or teen, considered CSAM, this might be referred to as “sextortion”. They might ask for these kinds of pictures, and then trade or sell them to others, or use the images as a way to further harass or manipulate the child or teen.

This type of online extortion can happen across many platforms online including social media, gaming, and messaging apps. It’s important to note that this can also happen between two people who are both minors, and it is still considered sexually abusive.

These resources can provide more information about CSAM, trafficking, and extortion:

If you’ve been sexually abused, we’re here to help. Take a look at this blog helping to answer the question “Did I experience sexual harm?” and contact our Helpline to get support and resources.

How do I know when I have crossed a sexual boundary?

This is such a brave question - and an important one! Asking questions like this is a sign of responsibility and shows that you care for yourself and for the people in your life.

Verbal and Physical Cues

You can look for both verbal and physical signs to show that someone feels uncomfortable and that you may be crossing a boundary.

Someone might communicate directly to you that you are crossing a boundary. A verbal “no” is a NO. A “no” answer needs to be respected. Consent is required every time, and it should never be assumed. Our FAQ: What is Consent? gives some more information about what this looks like. If you have to convince, push, or persuade someone to be sexual with you, you have ignored and crossed boundaries. Even if you “teased” someone into being sexual with you or saw an opportunity to be sexual with someone when they were lonely, sad, or vulnerable in some way - including being drunk or high - then safe boundaries were ignored and crossed.

Someone saying, “I’m not sure” means that they are uncertain. This is not a “yes.” This means slow down and ask more questions about what they want to do. It may mean you both want different things - including that someone may not be interested in anything sexual at the moment, and that needs to be respected.

Also pay attention to nonverbal responses. It’s important to be mindful of how someone is reacting to your behavior - do they seem upset, withdrawn, or scared? Do they seem shut down, or unresponsive? Are they emotional about what is happening, like crying or seeming distant? This could indicate that someone is uncomfortable with what is happening and they may feel as though their boundaries are being crossed. Our blog “Can someone say no without actually saying it?” gives some more guidance about what to look for.

Check In with Yourself

Take a second to tune in to your emotions. If you are having feelings of hesitation or you feel uncomfortable yourself about what is happening, that’s a clue that you may be crossing a boundary. Sometimes if we take a moment to notice how our body is feeling, we may have a clue that something doesn’t feel right. Maybe our stomach is in knots, our flesh is tingly, or something feels “off.” It’s important to reflect and listen to your own feelings and internal body cues about what is going on so you can make safe choices.

It’s always a good idea to check in about how you would feel if the roles were reversed too. Ask yourself, “How would I feel if I was being treated in this way?” If you wouldn’t want to be treated like this, or this behavior would make you feel as if your boundaries have been violated, then others would likely feel the same way.

You can also try to take an outside perspective with what choices you’re about to make beforehand. For example, “What would my best friend think about how I’m handling this? Does it seem like I’m making a healthy choice right now if I were looking at this situation neutrally and trying to give myself advice on what to do next?”

If you feel that you may have crossed a boundary, we can talk with you about what you want to do next and explore our FAQ: What do I do if I have crossed a sexual boundary? together. You’ve already taken a courageous step to learn more, and it’s ok to ask for some help to figure out what to do.

What do I do if I have crossed a sexual boundary?

It’s great that you want to know what to do if you think you have crossed a line. You have the opportunity to address the situation and take responsibility for your actions - and that matters! This is a brave step and you’re doing the right thing by asking questions and looking for help.

If this is a relationship and someone you care about, apologize, offer to talk more, ask if they need help and know the resources available to them. Also seek out help for yourself, get support! You can text our helpline to talk about what you need to prepare for these steps.

If this is not someone you are involved with but someone who is a part of your life in some way, apologize and maybe have a mutual friend check in with them.

If this is not someone you know and who is mostly a stranger, you can also apologize if that is a possibility.

In any of these situations, it is important to realize that the other person may not want to discuss what happened - and this is their right. If that happens, thank them for letting you know and leave the conversation.

What does an apology look like? Beginning these conversations may sound like:

  • “I recognize that my behavior crossed a line with you and that it may have impacted you in many ways.”

  • “I’m sorry for any harm that my behavior has caused. If this is something you do want to talk about, please let me know”

If they want to continue the conversation, you ask them what they would like to happen next - and then listen to that. While you may not be able to respond to everything - just listen. And then thank them, and let them know that you respect how they feel and what they want. If true, let them know that your intention is to learn from this, what you did wrong and what you plan to do next - such as seek out counseling, learn more about your behavior and stop behaving in ways that hurt others.

Growth

Finally, but equally important, is what you do moving forward. Follow up on anything that you have said you would do. Reflect and learn: What can you learn from this incident and your behavior? Has this happened before and what was the impact then? What kind of help and information would support you? How can you handle things differently next time so that no more lines are crossed?

Check out these blogs to learn more about ways that you can approach these conversations and other steps you can take:

What do I do if friends have told me that I cross lines but I don’t know what to change?

Wow, not everyone pays attention to this and it's really responsible and brave of you to ask this question. It can be confusing to hear friends tell you that you’re doing something that you don’t really see in yourself or that you don’t know how to “fix”. It’s courageous of you to look for more information. You’ve already taken the first step of what you can do - learn more.

The most important thing you can do is pay attention if someone tells you that you have crossed the line, especially a sexual line, with your behaviors. You don’t have to agree with everything being said, but you can listen respectfully, ask for examples, and explore whether there is something for you to learn about your behaviors. You may even ask them if they have a suggestion on what behaviors would feel safer, more respectful.

No one wants to hear that they might be hurting someone or reading a situation wrong, so your first response may be “no way!” But you have an opportunity to learn more about yourself, about others and about safe behaviors that will help you have healthy and happy friendships and relationships. Listen as best as you can, without trying to deny or defend your behavior.

It may help to look at the FAQ, “How do I know when I have crossed a sexual boundary?” and blog, “My friend told me I was being weird, but I don't understand what I did wrong.” to see if anything sounds familiar and could apply to the situations your friends are talking about.

And then you can decide if you want to change something about your behaviors. And you can ask for help! People do it all the time and we can help you get started, if you want. It’s ok to ask questions if you are unsure of how your sexual behaviors may be inappropriate or even harmful. The WhatsOK helpline can help you think it through. Text, chat, email, or call us.

What will happen to me if I engage in sexually harmful or illegal behaviors?

It's natural to be worried, and yes, there are some potential serious consequences. If you are legally an adult and are reported for engaging in illegal sexual behaviors, including child sexual abuse and viewing child sexual abuse images, you could get into legal trouble, including being arrested. If you are convicted of a sexual offense, the court may order you to get sex-specific treatment, make changes to your living situation, and/or order supervision by law enforcement. Possible legal consequences may also include probation, incarceration/imprisonment, fines, and/or needing to register as a sex offender.

If you are still a kid yourself, the laws in each state (and country) can be different, and depending on the level of the behavior and the ages of all those involved. Certain sexual behaviors could be considered illegal and the kid or teen behaving harmfully could be charged with a sexual offense. In some states, teenagers are often considered adults by the legal system if charged with a sexual offense, especially if they are over the age of 14.

Whether a kid is charged with a sexual offense or not, they may still be mandated to attend therapy and other services may be put in place to help. If a youth harms another youth, and there is concern that the harmful behaviors will continue, that youth may be placed in a residential setting, which is like living in a boarding school or group living situation, except that there are very strict rules about behaviors and a very structured environment that includes group and individual therapy. It is also possible that a kid who hurts another kid in their family may have to leave the home to prevent any further harm until everyone gets some help. They may have to live with another family member, a foster family or again - a residential program. This is not what happens to every youth who engages in sexually harmful or illegal behaviors. It depends on many factors, such as the situation, the ages of those involved, the history of previous similar behaviors, and other factors in the youth’s life.

There may be situations where even if the sexual behavior is harmful, it may not be considered illegal or it is never reported to the authorities. What then?

Each individual then faces their own personal consequences; there is no certain outcome. There could be a loss of friendships and other relationships; friends and family may feel betrayed and even angry. You may even find that you are feeling a lot of shame and guilt, even self-hatred, leading possibly to depression or anxiety. Our Helpline often hears from people who are feeling bad about something they did to someone else in the past, and now realize that it was harmful behavior and want to know what they can do next to take responsibility. It’s also possible that someone could get away with harmful and illegal behaviors - and maybe then get reported for it years later. There is almost always some sort of consequence - at least personally for the person.

Our blog “I sexually harmed someone and I'm worried about what's going to happen to me now.” may help to answer some more of your questions.

If you’re concerned your sexual behaviors are harmful or illegal, talk to our confidential helpline.

What happens when sexual abuse is reported?

Reporting or being reported for sexually abusing a child can understandably be a scary situation. It can help to know what to expect, or what next steps might look like.

Who can make a report

Anyone concerned about a child’s safety in any way can make a report to Child Protective Services (CPS) and/or the police. You don’t need “proof” in order to make a report. However, you do want to be able to describe the specific concerns. People who report will be asked what warning signs or situation makes them concerned about a child’s safety. They will also be required to share identifying information about the child they are concerned about. In most instances, reports can be made anonymously.

When anyone becomes aware that a child or youth is being abused in any way a report should be made so that help can be provided to the child so that they are no longer harmed. There are even certain people who are considered mandated reporters because of their jobs. These are usually people like teachers, doctors, daycare providers, social workers, therapists, and some other people. This varies by state, and in some states every adult is considered a mandated reporter. If a child or youth tells a mandated reporter that they are being abused, or if they discover that a child is being abused they are required by law to make a report. Mandated reporters could actually get into legal trouble if they don't report abuse. This is meant to keep youth safe because it means that in their everyday life there are adults around who do know what to do if they or someone they know is being abused.

Who takes reports

We don’t investigate or take reports about child sexual abuse ourselves - there are specific agencies in each state who are responsible for that. They are usually called Child Protective Services (CPS), but can also be called Department of Social Services (DSS) or Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS) among other names. They take any reports of child abuse and decide whether they are going to investigate it further. For additional information on where to report:

Sometimes child sexual abuse is also reported to the police - in fact CPS and the police may even work together in some cases. Their cooperation might depend on how old the person is who sexually abused a child, their relationship to the child, and the severity of what happened. Typically if there is a suspicion or evidence that a person who is responsible for the care of a child is abusing them, the report will first go to CPS. Someone can be reported for sexually abusing a child whether they are an adult or a kid themselves.

Who takes reports

Once CPS or the police get a report about a child being abused, they make a decision about whether they will investigate it further. Sometimes authorities may feel they do not have enough specific information to warrant an investigation at that time. In these cases, the report is taken as “information". It is saved, and if additional reports are made later these additional details could contribute to an investigation.

If CPS investigates there is often a specially trained social worker whose job is to talk with as many people as possible who are aware of the people involved and the situation. This might mean talking to the person who was reported for abuse or risk of abuse, the person who experienced abuse, family members, teachers, doctors, therapists, etc.

If the investigators can document enough evidence that a child is being abused, or is even at great risk of abuse then the first goal will be to assess the child’s immediate safety. During this time they might decide to separate the child from the person who is harming them. There could be criminal charges filed as well. It can get complicated depending on the situation, but at all times the goal should be to guarantee that everyone is safe.

What if I am making the report?

Making a report about child sexual abuse can be intimidating, but you don’t have to do it alone. Our helpline counselors can talk to you more about the process of reporting and help you find the right folks to talk to.

What if I am the one being reported?

It’s understandable that you might have a lot of questions if you are concerned about being reported for sexually abusive behavior. Our FAQ What will happen to me if I engage in sexually harmful or illegal behaviors? and our blog, “I sexually harmed someone and I am worried about what’s going to happen to me now” can help to answer some of your questions about what the next steps might look like.

Our Helpline counselors are here to support you through this process as well.

Is it okay to sext with someone else my own age?

Both adults and teens use ‘sexting’ to flirt, further a relationship, to experiment, to communicate feelings and often as a way to show trust in one another. Sexting includes sending sexual words, images, or videos over digital media. Sexting can feel like a way to own your body, and some people may try sexting as a way to explore their sexuality. It may feel safer because it’s not in-person.

But sexting comes with risks, even if sexts are sent and received consensually. As with any sexual activity, no one should send or receive a sext because they feel threatened or manipulated in any way. When received or shared without consent, sexual images and messages are a form of harassment and/or abuse.

Sexts to or from anyone under 18 are illegal.

It’s important to understand that anyone can be charged with the crime of posession of child sexual abuse material if they have sexually explicit photos, videos or other material of a person under 18. So no matter how old someone is, if they receive sexual abuse images, they could be charged with a crime - even if the person sending the images is their girlfriend or boyfriend, and sent them willingly.

Bottom line: it is illegal for anyone – under or over 18 – to possess, create, send, or receive sexually explicit images or videos involving anyone under 18.

What are other risks to sexting?

There are some other serious risks in sexting, and having accurate information about these risks can help you make decisions about your own sexting behavior.

Once your videos or images are sent to others, you have no control over who sees them or where they go. They could end up on social media, other places on the internet or sent to other people. Often people who sext expect the content of their sext to only be shared with the person they are sending it to, but, in fact, a study that looked at teen sexting behaviors found that 1 in 3 teens have seen a non-consensually shared nude photo of another youth. It is unlikely that the young person whose nude photo was being shared gave consent to have their photo spread around. And there is no way to stop the sharing - that photo now has a life of its own on the internet and can be there forever. Having personal content shared on the internet can have a long-term emotional toll, and additionally often leads to harassment, bullying, and manipulation when other people discover the photo.

If you do decide that you are going to either send or receive sexts, it is important that you feel confident that you can trust the person that you are sexting with, and understand the risks that come with sharing photos of yourself so that you can make an informed decision.

Check out our blogs, “Could I get into trouble for sexting?”, “My girlfriend sent me nudes and I didn’t realize that was against the law; what do I do now?”, and reach out to our Helpline with any questions or concerns.

What is sex trafficking?

Sex trafficking is another form of sexual abuse, and it may also be referred to as ‘commercial sexual exploitation’. Trafficking includes forcing or coercing a youth or adult to participate in sexual acts in exchange for things like food, shelter, drugs, or other things of value. This could also include medical care or even status quo. They may also be threatened with violence if they don’t do what they are told or try to stop. Other aspects of their well being may also be threatened, including threats of deportation or repayment of debt for those within the immigrant community, or threatening to out someone who identifies as LGBTQ+.

How does sex trafficking happen

Although it can and does happen, someone doesn’t have to be kidnapped or taken to be trafficked. Sex trafficking can happen online, like on common social media sites, like Snapchat or Instagram, and even on gaming platforms like Discord.

Someone might start talking with a minor with the intent to get nude photos or videos, or to meet in-person to commit sexual offenses. This is called online enticement. Online enticement can lead to the minor sharing nudes or explicit content with the person. This is called sexting, and sexting can lead to sextortion, a form of child exploitation where children are threatened or blackmailed, most often with the possibility of sharing a nude or sexual image of them with the public by a person who demands additional sexual content or sexual activity from the minor.

This means that a youth may be experiencing trafficking all while seemingly carrying on a normal life: living at home, going to school, playing sports, participating in activities, or hanging out with friends.

It can be difficult for people experiencing child sex trafficking to acknowledge that they are experiencing victimization. For many young people, it might seem like this is “normal” or that it happens all the time so it must be okay. They may believe that what's happening to them is their fault or that this is solicitation, which is also unacceptable. However, they might not realize that this constitutes child exploitation and it is a crime.

This may be influenced by the culture of explicit photo sharing online with sites like Onlyfans, or even on dating apps. It can feel like “If it’s okay for other people to share their explicit photos for money, likes, or other gifts, then it’s okay if I do” - but it’s important to remember that once you share something explicit, like a nude picture of yourself, you lose control of how that image is used.

People who traffick or exploit others may target youth who are living in unstable or abusive homes, those struggling with mental health or substance use, those who feel socially isolated from their peers, youth with developmental differences, or young people from marginalized communities, like young people of color or those who identify within the LGBTQ+ community. People who target youth will manipulate, exploit, or take advantage of feelings of loneliness, isolation, and lack of support to their benefit. But this isn’t always the case. It’s possible for any youth to be coerced or manipulated into this kind of abusive situation online.

And it’s not always an adult who targets youth, it could also be another youth doing this. Which can sometimes make it more confusing because it can seem even more normalized for someone else your own age to be asking for things like nude pictures or explicit content.

Warning Signs

There are some warning signs that can indicate that a young person may be experiencing sex trafficking:

  • Having a new friend or boyfriend/girlfriend that their friends have not met, who is likely controlling or secretive. Sometimes this person might be older, but it could also be someone around their own age

  • Missing out on activities with friends, being absent from school, or seeming more withdrawn from their life and things they typically enjoy

  • Having new or expensive things, and not being able to explain how they got them - like clothes, phones, shoes, jewelry, etc…

  • Seeming more protective of their devices, like getting anxious that someone will see what someone is sending them, or getting scared if they miss a call or a message

  • Appearing more withdrawn, quiet, sad, scared, and not wanting to talk about what’s going on for them or what they’re feeling

  • Having “secret” social media profiles or profiles with fake names or aliases

Seeing one or two of these warning signs doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is being trafficked. These warning signs can also come up when someone is dealing with other issues. But, it is important to check on your friend, show your support, and reach out to a trusted adult for help.

Getting Help

Think about the adults in your life that care about you or your friend, and would want to see you (or your friend) stay safe. This could be a parent, friend’s parent, teacher, coach, faith leader, or another adult family member. Although it might feel scary to tell them what’s going on, they would want to know that this is happening so that they can take steps to make sure it doesn’t continue and that you or your friend are safe, happy, and healthy.

If it doesn’t feel possible to tell an adult in your life, you could also reach out to the National Human Trafficking Hotline. This hotline may be helpful in figuring out what other steps to take, and to plan for safety. You can call the hotline at 1.888.373.7888, by text at 233733, or visit the site to live chat.

You can also reach out to our helpline to talk more with a counselor about what is going on, and to find support. Check out our blog “I’m worried my friend is being trafficked. How do I help them?” for more information about helping a friend you might feel concerned about.