I feel bad I manipulated my partner into having sex with me

We hear from many young people who feel that they crossed a boundary in a relationship and want to learn how to take steps to be responsible, learn, and behave safely and respectfully moving forward. Here is a recent email we got from a young adult who had crossed a line with their partner.

“I’m 20 and I just came out as trans and sex with my partner has been kind of confusing for me. But I think I might have crossed a line. I kind of manipulated them into having sex the other night, I didn’t mean to. I don’t know what to do now, they didn’t deserve this at all.”

This person further explained that only a limited number of people in their life knew that they identified as trans, and the relationship with their partner was the first queer relationship they had been in. They shared that navigating a relationship and sex was overwhelming for them, and that in the past they had struggled with feeling like their partner didn’t want them, or didn’t love them for who they really were. This person described that overall, their partner was very accepting and interested, but the last time the caller expressed interest in being sexual with their partner, their partner pulled away and said that they didn’t feel well and just wanted to fall asleep early.

“I felt like they didn’t want me, and it made me feel awful. I know they probably were telling the truth about not feeling good, but instead of just saying ‘Okay, no problem,’ I told them what a stressful day I had and how much I needed to get off. Right after we were done, I felt gross and I knew I had crossed a line.”

Here’s our response to them.

Taking Responsibility

It takes a lot of maturity and responsibility to look at your own behavior this way, and to take responsibility for the impact it may have on the other person. We’re so glad you reached out and are thinking about the impact on your partner. It may feel easier to ignore times we feel we behave in a way that may be disrespectful or even harmful. It’s courageous of you to ask for help.

Have you considered talking with your partner about what happened? If this feels like a safe option, we encourage you to have this conversation. We understand that this can feel very scary and risky, and perhaps it would help to write out what you want to say or to even practice with someone. It is natural to feel nervous, but preparing beforehand can help you feel ready.

A good way to start the conversation is by acknowledging that the way you behaved was not respectful or safe and apologize. As you said, pressuring someone to have sex with you can have a harmful impact on the person being pressured, even if they don’t say anything. Taking responsibility can sound like:

“I want to apologize about my behavior with you the other night. I realize that pressuring you into having sex by trying to make you feel sorry for me is not OK. I ignored how you were feeling, and did not get a clear yes, and this is not the same as consent. I believe I violated your boundaries. I’m sorry and I am committed to never pressuring you or anyone else again. If you want to talk more about how my behavior impacted you, I’m here and willing to listen. If not now, I am open to talking another time as well.”

This gives your partner the opportunity to decide if they want to talk about what happened and how they feel about it or not. When someone’s boundaries are violated their choices are taken away from them so now it’s important to make sure that they can take the lead in deciding what to do next.

Navigating Difficult Conversations by Listening

If your partner says they want to talk about it, then you need to listen to the impact that you had on them. Being a good listener and partner here means listening until your partner is completely finished with what they have to say. Don’t interrupt them or get defensive. Wait until they have completely finished speaking before you say something, and when you do respond it might sound like:

“Thank you. I appreciate your honesty. I care about your feelings and particularly the impact that my actions had on you.”

Now that you have heard the impact, you also may want to acknowledge that again. Then ask what they would like to happen next. Again - keep listening! They may not know what they want, and that is OK. You can let them know that you are available for continued conversation.

Getting Extra Support

If your partner wants to know more, you can share with them about the next steps you are planning to take, such as your intention to work with a counselor to understand more about your behaviors. One way to talk to them may sound like this:

“I want to be in a consensual, pleasurable, respectful relationship, and my behaviors were not okay. I am planning on seeking professional support to learn more about the impacts of my own experiences, and how to be a safe partner in the future.”

WhatsOK is here to help

We closed by acknowledging that this person has a lot going on, with many complex feelings, and we encouraged them to seek professional support. And we emphasized that their willingness to confront their own harmful behaviors speaks highly of them, and that it is absolutely possible for them to grow from this incident and be a respectful, safe partner moving forward.

Our helpline counselors can talk more with anyone who might be wondering how to have a conversation like this, or how to take steps toward safety afterwards. Reach out anytime.