I can’t stop feeling guilty about something I did with my brother when we were little
We often hear from folks who have questions or are feeling worried about their sexual behaviors when they were younger. Many of those reaching out have questions about things that happened with their siblings, cousins, or other close family members. You are definitely not alone.
Someone shared this with us recently:
“I’m 16 now, but I know that there were a couple of times when I was around 9 or 10 that I touched my younger brother’s penis when we were alone. I feel so guilty about it, and I don’t know what to do.”
Here is how we responded.
Why would a kid cross a line?
First, it’s important to know that there are many reasons why a kid might cross a sexual boundary with another child. It does not mean that they are a bad kid or that they will grow up and harm other kids. It could be because they feel curious, but don’t recognize the way they are behaving isn’t safe. It could be that the adults around them didn’t teach them how to be safe with others. It could be because they saw something on TV or the internet, or saw a friend do something that made behaving this way seem okay. It could also be because of impulse control issues, other stressors going on at home, or even in some cases because they experienced sexual abuse themselves. And it could be something else – there are lots of reasons.
Children and youth are looking to their peers, the adults around them, and what they are seeing in the media and in our larger social culture to learn how they should behave in the world. Not every kid has access to healthy sexuality information or support to learn safe behaviors. And even if a kid knows that something they are doing is not right, they still often don’t fully understand the impact that their behaviors can have on others.
This isn’t to excuse any harmful behavior or the impact that it might have had on your younger brother. But it might help to understand these behaviors from the understanding you had as a kid, and not from your current, older viewpoint.
What can I do now?
It shows a lot of maturity to reflect on your past behaviors and to want to look for ways to understand the impact they may have had on others. It’s important now to think about ways that you can reach out for support around you. Like talking to a safe adult you feel comfortable with - such as a parent, teacher, coach, guidance counselor, or other adult family member. Even if you don’t feel comfortable telling them exactly what is causing you stress right now, you can still let them know that you’re dealing with something and you could use some extra support.
You might even find it helpful to talk with a counselor or therapist about what happened when you were a kid, so you can process and understand why it might have happened, and move forward without it continuing to weigh on you. Guilt can be a really powerful feeling, and it can interrupt other parts of our lives. It is possible to learn how to let go of that guilt while still staying accountable for the impact even our behaviors might have on others.
If you are worried about the response of a counselor if you disclose what you did, you can ask the counselor, "How would you respond if a client told you that they had been sexually inappropriate with a younger child several years ago?" This can help you to feel better prepared for what to expect if you were to disclose to them, and if it feels safe and comfortable to do so.
Be Accountable
It’s important that you continue to be a good older sibling now. Model healthy and safe behaviors, speak up when you notice kids behaving in ways that could be unsafe, and involve adults when you need to.
Although the way you behaved with your brother in the past wasn’t OK or safe, that doesn’t make you a bad person. Remember to pay attention to all the good things you’ve done, and try to think of ways that you’ve been a supportive older sibling, too. And if you feel like that hasn’t been true for you, start now!
You’ve done a great job getting to this point. Our helpline counselors are here to talk more about next steps. If you have any questions about what happened when you were younger, reach out through email, text, or chat.
