Can people say no without actually saying it?
When we talk about consent we stress the importance of each person giving a verbal YES so that it is clear they want to continue what they’re doing together. Whenever possible, people should have conversations with each other about their wants, needs, and desires, as well as where their limits and boundaries are. You can read more about why these conversations are important in another one of our blogs, Why does consent matter?
But, there are absolutely ways that you can tell if a person is trying to say NO, even if they aren’t able to say it out loud. How someone does not give consent can vary:
1. No response
If someone doesn’t respond at all then that is a clear “no”. When people’s boundaries – and particularly sexual boundaries – are crossed this can be traumatic, and someone may shut down and look blank. Or for some people maybe they freeze up because they are nervous, or perhaps they aren’t sure what they are being asked to do. Some people find it hard to ask questions when they don’t understand a question and may just remain quiet. Not everyone can say what they are feeling or thinking, or what they need or don’t need. The absence of a YES is a NO.
2. A non-verbal response
A non-verbal “no” response will vary from person to person, but they – and their body – are giving “no” signals. Someone may look sad or become quiet, saying little. They may even become emotional or start crying. A person may physically move away, move your hand away, stiffen up, or appear nervous or fearful. They might become angry and even be physical, such as pushing someone away.
3. Changing their mind
If the person feels unsure about whether they want to be sexual, or if they change their mind about what they are comfortable with then you do not have consent from them to continue. Part of getting consent is that the other person is informed and sure about their decision. Saying things like “I’m not sure,” “Maybe another time,” or “I don’t want to anymore” would be indicators that someone is uncomfortable or unsure and that they are not giving their consent.
Just because a person said that yes, it is okay for someone to kiss them, it doesn’t mean the “yes” covers everything else. So if a person kisses someone, then starts to try and touch that person’s breasts without asking for permission or consent, this is wrong. The person being kissed can say no - verbally or nonverbally - at any time.
Most importantly, when a person hasn’t given their consent no one should try to change their mind or pressure them into any sexual behaviors. It’s important to check in about what they need at that moment – space, a walk, a drink of water, a ride home. They should know that no one is mad or upset, and what is important is that everyone feels comfortable. These kinds of situations can feel embarrassing or awkward, but they don’t need to be.
Do you have more questions? Our helpline counselors are here to talk!
