I touched my friend and I know I wasn’t supposed to. What can I do now?

We heard from a concerned 15-year-old this week who recognized that they crossed a line with a friend at school, and they weren’t sure what to do next. Here’s a little bit of what they shared with us:

“I have this friend at school and we were alone together by our lockers. I touched her butt when she turned around and she was really upset about it. She hasn’t talked to me since then, and I know that I messed up.”

Here’s how we responded to this person – and to many people who have harmed others.

Listening and taking accountability as a first step

Any time we do something that violates another person’s boundaries, it is important that we listen when they tell or show us that they are upset, and that we take responsibility for our behaviors that were unwanted or harmful. It sounds like this person understands now that they crossed a line, and they recognize that their friend is really upset about what they did.

We encouraged this person to talk with their friend. We suggested that it might take time for their friend to want to talk, but let her know that the door is open for whenever she is ready. When she is ready to talk, we encouraged this young person to take responsibility for touching her without consent, asking whether she would want to talk about the impact this had on her, and apologizing for the impact this behavior has had on her and their friendship. This is an important first step in taking responsibility and making her feel validated and supported.

It can be really hard to think about having conversations like this. But when someone can have this conversation, it really shows a lot of maturity, a commitment to accountability, and demonstrates that they care about the impact of their actions and that they want to hear how they might have made someone else feel.

This person might say something like:

“It wasn’t okay for me to touch your body, and I recognize it had an impact on you and our friendship. I’m sorry that I did that, and that won’t happen again. If you want to talk about it, let me know. We can talk in a place that feels safe to you, like outside or with someone else there.”

This gives their friend a chance to decide if she wants to talk about this right now or not. If she decides to talk about how this made her feel, then they should listen, without being defensive or interrupting her. Even if that might feel really hard, they should let their friend finish talking and really listen to what they are saying.

It’s possible that their friend may still be upset, or need some time to process. And that’s okay. They should respect whatever it is their friend says they need right now. Even if that is some space.

Getting Support

It’s possible that this person’s friend might get a safe adult involved to let them know what happened, but the person who reached out to us could also seek out a safe adult on their own. This is another way of taking accountability for their behavior, and a way to get connected with other kinds of support, like a counselor.

We don’t know whether this is the first time this young person crossed a boundary, or whether they struggle with safe sexual behaviors in general. But no matter what, whenever someone recognizes that they’ve done something that has harmed another person, it’s a mature decision to seek out help to learn how to do better.

Understandably, this can be scary, especially for young people who are exploring boundaries and themselves. They may be afraid of getting in trouble for crossing a line with someone. But when we take accountability, we make it clear that we know what we've done wrong and want to make it right. That can mean less trouble than if we hide our mistakes. And when we cross a boundary, taking accountability goes a long way to demonstrate that we're making an effort to be safe and not hurt someone again.

We encouraged them to choose a safe adult who can help talk them through how to do things differently. This could be a parent, teacher, coach, or other adult family member. And if they feel that this is an ongoing problem for them, they can help find a counselor experienced in helping youth understand safe and healthy relationships. One way that this young person could talk to a safe adult about this might be:

“I crossed a line with someone recently and touched them without their permission. I understand that was not okay or safe for me to do. I think it would be a good idea for me to talk with a counselor so I can work on being safer with others.”

Healthy Sexuality Resources

This young person can also take steps to learn and practice safer behaviors on their own, such as learning more about what healthy relationships and behaviors look like. There are some great accurate resources, like books and websites by knowledgeable and reputable sources that are specifically meant for teens that talk about things like consent, boundaries, sex and sexuality, bodies, puberty, and many other topics. Some resources we like:

• Sex, Etc.: An organization by teens for teens that has articles and videos on identity, masturbation, sex, and what’s normal and healthy for your body

• Scarleteen: A sexuality and relationships education and support organization for youth and young adults.

• Amaze: An educational video resource tool for both kids and teens about their bodies.

• Info for Teens (Planned Parenthood): Information for teenagers about their changing bodies, sexual and reproductive health, relationships, and consent

• Advocates for Youth: Information for youth and young adults about sexual and reproductive health with a focus on equity and justice

Our helpline counselors are here to talk with anyone who might be wondering how to talk to someone they crossed a line with, or what other steps they can take