I sexually harmed someone and I am worried about what’s going to happen to me now
“I went too far and made my girlfriend do sexual things she didn’t want to. I didn't listen when she said no because I thought she was just saying it so she didn’t sound too excited or something. But she was really upset afterwards, and she told her friend. I’m scared I’m going to get in huge trouble for this. What do I do?”
This is a very serious email we received. This person crossed a line, ignored another person’s wishes, did not get consent and as a result, behaved in a way that was harmful. We’re glad they wrote in asking about next steps. And even though we understand that what this person did was not ok, we also can understand how this would be a scary situation to find yourself in. It took a lot of courage for this person to reach out and share that they know that they hurt someone.
Here’s how we responded
It’s not always easy to acknowledge you’ve crossed a line, and you’ve taken a huge first step by listening when someone said they felt their boundaries were violated. We hear from other young people that understanding consent can be tough. Especially when they haven’t had the tools or knowledge to navigate that themselves. Even if you feel like your intention wasn’t to ignore her boundaries, when she said “no” and you didn’t listen to and respect that, you harmed her. So let’s talk about what could happen next.
Legal consequences
The person harmed has the right to disclose their experience to whomever they choose. It sounds like she has already told her friends, and I can imagine that might feel scary. We can’t know what she will do next, but it can help to feel prepared for what might happen. It is possible that if she chooses to report this to her parents or to the police, there could be legal consequences. Depending on the statutes and laws in your state, it’s possible that because you are over 14 years old, you could be considered an “adult” in the eyes of the courts. This could include incarceration, probation, fines, mandated therapy, or even registration as a sex offender. We say this not to scare you, but so that you understand that this is taken seriously.
It might be a good idea to talk with your parent or another trusted adult about what happened so that you have the support you need, too, no matter what happens. If this person decides to tell her own parents about what happened, your parents will likely find out anyway. It might be better if they are able to hear what happened - honestly - from you first. They may want to seek out an attorney or legal advocate who can help answer questions about next steps and provide guidance about what to do.
Thinking about starting this conversation can be hard, but you might say something like, “I crossed a line and violated someone’s boundaries. I ignored what they said, and pushed her to do some sexual things that she didn’t want to do. I wanted to tell you about it so that you can help me with what happens next. I want to take accountability for what happened, but I’m worried about what kind of consequences I could face.”
Professional Support
Like we said before, many young people don’t feel like they understand or recognize consent. But it’s critical that you understand consent – and that everyone does! Consent helps us stay safe in relationships with others and treat others with respect.
It will be important to also talk to your parents about finding a counselor or therapist to talk to. They can help you talk about what happened and learn about things like healthy relationships, consent, boundaries, and safe behaviors. If the courts were to get involved, this may be something they mandate so it can be helpful to get a head start on that now so you have support in place no matter what happens next. And even if this isn’t reported and the courts don’t get involved, this is still an important step to take to make sure you understand how to be safe in all future relationships - sexual or otherwise.
The best kind of therapist to talk to would be someone who specializes in youth development and sexual behaviors so that they have the best knowledge and experience to help you. This resource guide from our sister site Stop It Now! may be a helpful place for them to start looking.
Personal consequences
Even if this is never reported, there are some personal consequences to think about. It’s possible that this could affect your relationships with family or friends at school. They may be angry or upset about what happened. It’s even possible that some people may not want to be friends with you anymore. Again, we say this not to scare you but so that you feel prepared no matter what happens next.
Harming someone can bring up feelings of shame or guilt, or even self-hatred. You might even experience depression or anxiety. That’s another reason that we recommend talking to a counselor or therapist, so you have someone helping you navigate complicated feelings.
No matter what, please know that you have taken the right step in reaching out and asking for help. You can have a happy, fulfilling and safe life. It IS possible to take accountability and learn safer behaviors so that you can build healthier relationships moving forward. And again - you don’t have to go through this alone. Whether it is your parents or a professional, you can get the support you need to deal with whatever happens next.
If you have crossed a sexual boundary or sexually abused another person, it’s important to get help now. Reach out to our helpline to talk with our counselors about what you can do.
