Did I experience sexual harm?

We get this question often. It can be incredibly difficult to feel like someone violated a boundary with you or to wonder whether you were sexually abused. There are so many misconceptions that people have about sexual abuse and what constitutes sexually abusive behavior.

The first thing you should know is this: if you feel like you were sexually harmed or abused in any way, then that is your truth. No one should try to talk you out of your feelings or invalidate your experience.

It can be hard to know exactly what sexual abuse is and if you have experienced it. It can be really confusing when someone has manipulated or threatened you to behave sexually in ways you didn’t really want to. And it can be even more confusing when someone you have trusted and looked up to has abused their power with you and engaged in sexual behaviors with you. This could mean that this person is in a position of authority, like a teacher, coach, family member or another adult. It could also be a peer or older teen who has crossed a line.

Our FAQ: What is sexual abuse? might be helpful in giving some concrete answers about what constitutes sexually abusive behavior.

Emotional and Physical Signs

Many people who have experienced sexual harm or abuse have talked about the way they felt after experiencing something like this. Although everyone is different, some people feel shame, anger, sadness, isolation, or even guilt about what happened. To be clear: sexual abuse is NEVER the fault of the person who experienced it. You don’t have to feel ashamed or guilty about what happened. But, it’s okay, too, if you do. Your feelings aren’t wrong or bad. There is a lot of misinformation about sexual abuse, and as humans we often hold on to what we believe others might think about the situation.

It’s possible that you might notice some physical signs too, like wetting the bed, going to the bathroom a lot or not being able to, or changes in your eating habits, like eating more or less than you usually do. People have also described noticing that they feel fearful, and they find themselves physically withdrawing when a friend or family member touches them or hugs them.

These emotional and physical signs can come up at other times, too, like when you're feeling really stressed about something going on at home, with friends, or at school, or you're dealing with other big changes in your life, like moving, losing a loved one, or arguing with a friend. But it’s important to check in with yourself, especially if you feel like your boundaries were crossed, and if you're feeling this way it’s okay to ask for help in figuring this out.

Consent

Consent needs to be given EACH time sexual activity happens. That means:

• If you don’t give permission for someone to do something sexual with you, and they do it anyway, then that is abuse.

• If you say NO at first, and then they make you feel scared, embarrassed, or pressured into sexual activity, then that is abuse.

• And if you were asleep, drunk, or high and someone does something sexual with you, then that is also abuse.

It’s important, too, to know about the legal age of consent, and at what age your state has said that someone can legally consent to or agree to have sex with another person. So, if the legal age of consent is 16, it is illegal for a 17-year-old to have sex with a 15-year-old, and could be considered sexual abuse. But the age of consent can vary by state.

Additionally, it is illegal for someone in a position of power, like a teacher, a boss, or coach, to have sex with someone they are in charge of. This is true even if both people are over age 18. Because they have the power to impact grades or a job it’s inappropriate and abusive for them to be sexual with someone they are responsible for.

Boundaries

Ultimately you get to decide where your boundaries are when someone has crossed them. We wrote a blog called “How will I know when my boundaries are crossed?” to help people figure out how to understand, navigate, and maintain boundaries for themselves and with others. Although it’s not always easy to do, you have every right to speak up when you feel your boundaries have been crossed, no matter who it is that crossed them.

You deserve to feel safe and supported. If you’ve been sexually abused or feel someone crossed your boundaries, contact our helpline. Our expert counselors can help you make sense of what happened and get support.