My friend told me I was behaving weird with other people, but I don’t know what I did wrong

A high schooler wrote to our helpline after his friend told him he was being inappropriate with another guy at school. He shared:

“My dad was always making sexual jokes growing up. I thought it was funny, so I do the same thing with my friends. The other day I made a joke about this kid in my class and he got really offended by it. My friend came up to me afterwards and said it was really weird to make jokes like that and everyone felt really uncomfortable about it. So do I just stop making jokes, or what?”

We get questions like this a lot: How do you proceed when someone calls you out on something? And what if you don’t even understand what they’re talking about? Especially if you didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings or offend them.

Here’s how we see it.

Listen to learn

First, it’s normal to feel defensive if a friend tells you that you’re acting weird. Especially if you don’t feel like what you did was strange or inappropriate. But everyone makes mistakes, crosses a line, or just doesn't have accurate information about appropriate boundaries sometimes. What matters most is how we respond to and learn from feedback like this!

So start with where your friend is coming from. It’s great to have a friend who cares enough and is honest enough to point out concerns like this to us. Our friends’ courage can help us look at behaviors that get in the way of having healthy and happy relationships.

For this guy’s situation in particular, it was very brave of his friend to speak up! The friend may not know the history about how this guy’s family jokes around, but the friend recognized that other people were feeling uncomfortable.

And the person who wrote to us - this is really responsible of him to follow up. He paid attention to what his friend said, and then took it a step further to write to us to ask about what next steps he should take. He’s understandably a little frustrated, but he took it seriously enough to ask for help instead of blowing off his friend.

Everyone has different norms about sex

Each of us is brought up in a different way to talk (or not talk) about sex and sexuality. But it’s a sensitive, private topic for a lot of people, especially teenagers who are still figuring things out about themselves and others. So it’s best to be careful when joking about sex, and maybe avoid making jokes about someone else’s sexual behaviors or sexuality.

At the end of the day, everyone has personal boundaries that deserve to be respected. For the most part, that means we shouldn’t put people down, make people uncomfortable, or make someone feel at risk of harm.

For the guy who contacted us, it seemed like making a sexual joke about someone wasn’t a big deal because it had been normalized for him at home. And it sounds like no one had called him out on it before. It’s just what his family does; that’s normal from his perspective. That doesn’t make what he said OK or even necessarily wrong. It does mean learning more about what may be offensive to others and how to share jokes and stories that do not make others uncomfortable- this is an important step.

We don’t know what specifically was said in the situation, but it’s clear that others felt like he crossed a line. And that’s something to pay attention to.

Moving forward

Like we said above, it matters how we react and move forward. So when we’re told something isn’t OK, we have the chance to make changes in our behavior. It can be really important to thank the person who confronted you for talking to you about it, and ask for their support to do better next time. You might be able to brainstorm together to get ideas about what to do next time, or what is and isn’t appropriate in conversation. It can be a great learning exercise for both of you about what you think, know, and believe.

Back to the person who contacted us, our helpline counselor talked over some options with him, like talking to other friends, maybe even the person who was offended, and acknowledging that his behavior crossed a line.

Being accountable and responsible means recognizing and taking ownership over any behavior that was harmful or inappropriate, apologizing for it, and also includes recognizing the impact that it has - such as in this case, making someone feel uncomfortable. This is a mature step, but this is how we become models for others of how to work together and, respectfully, to have safe relationships.

And ask for help! Maybe his friend would further support him with a gentle nudge if it looks like he is beginning to cross a line. Or maybe his friend could help him practice an apology.

It isn’t easy to make changes in our own behaviors to have better relationships. But when you care about the safety of others, you can be a positive role model who treats people with respect.

Our helpline counselors are here for you if you have questions about your own behaviors and how they are affecting your relationships.