How will I know when my boundaries are crossed?
Boundaries come up in almost every relationship: family, friends, co-workers, and even acquaintances. Boundaries in our romantic or sexual relationships can be especially important, so that’s what we’re going to talk about in this blog.
Boundaries are the limits that you have about what you feel okay with physically and emotionally. You might hear people refer to boundaries as your “personal bubble” or the “wall” you keep between you and things that make you feel unsafe. Only YOU get to decide where your boundaries are and when someone has crossed them.
Every person is different in where their boundaries lay, and one person may feel that something or someone crossed their boundaries when another person may not feel the same. For example, one person’s boundary may be that they are not okay with hugs from other people, but they feel comfortable with a handshake or a fist bump.
What kind of relationship fits your boundaries?
Before you get into a relationship with another person, it’s important to first understand what your own boundaries and limits look like. You might want to ask yourself things like:
What kind of relationship do you want for yourself? And what do you feel comfortable with happening in that relationship? Is it important to you to have a partner who likes many of the same things you do? Would it be a problem for you if your partner wasn’t a physically affectionate person, or if they were very affectionate? Do you prefer being with someone who likes to text back and forth rather than talking on the phone to check in?
Once you understand your boundaries, you can communicate them with other people. Talk ahead of time about what each of your expectations are for the relationship, and share the needs that are important to you. If your partner isn’t willing to respect this, then that may tell you that they are not a good fit for you.
What are some warning signs that your boundaries are being crossed?
If you feel like your partner or someone you are in a romantic or sexual relationship with is not respecting the boundaries you’ve discussed, pay attention. A healthy and happy relationship is built on listening and respecting each other.
Sometimes we’re not sure if our boundaries are being ignored and perhaps even violated. It can be confusing, especially if we really like or respect the other person. Sometimes we may just feel like something is wrong, but we can’t put words to what is bothering us. These examples of boundary crossing behaviors may help you put a name to what behaviors might be concerning to you:
Not listening to you when you say “No”
Controlling who you are friends with or getting upset when you spend time with people they don’t like
Wanting or demanding access to your phone or your social media accounts
Asking you to do something that goes against your morals, values, or beliefs
Making you feel guilty for not fulfilling their needs
Expecting you to go everywhere they go, even if you don’t want to
Telling other people personal things you have shared with them
Lying to you
Stealing from you
Taking advantage of you, such as always having you pay for meals
Telling you what to wear or getting upset when you wear something they don’t like
Touching your body without permission - this includes when you are sleeping, if you are intoxicated or unable to give consent in any other way
Pay attention to your body
Check in with yourself and listen to what your body is telling you. If something makes you uncomfortable, or makes you feel any negative emotions like sadness, fear, or shame, then that may be your body telling you that something is pushing your boundaries.
Also pay attention to any physical reactions you are having. Are you feeling something in your gut? Is your head pounding or heart beating fast? Listen to yourself and what your body is telling you it needs or doesn’t want.
Resources and support
If the person in a relationship with you is not willing to respect your boundaries, and acknowledge and change their behavior, you might think about whether this is a relationship that you want to continue to be in. Everyone deserves to have their boundaries respected, and a relationship cannot be healthy when one partner is pushing past the other’s limits.
There are a lot of great resources about healthy relationships. For example, check out loveisrespect.org and advocatesforyouth.org. Text the WhatsOk helpline for more resources and helpful information about healthy relationships.
