How do I talk to my therapist about being sexually attracted to children?
This is such an important question. Sharing this very personal and sensitive information can help therapists better understand how to support a client. But it can feel especially scary and even risky to talk about this - particularly with a professional. Even if someone feels very certain and clear about their ability to manage their feelings and thoughts, and has no intention of ever crossing lines and harming a child, there are still fears about disclosing these feelings and thoughts. Understandably, there are concerns about what will happen when someone shares this type of information - like worrying about whether a therapist has to tell a parent if the person is under 18, or even if the therapist will have to make a report to the authorities.
We understand that sometimes speaking out loud about feelings of attraction to children may make it more “real”, and maybe the biggest concern is what people will think. It’s natural to worry about things like, “Will people think I’m a monster?” and “Will I be able to have a normal life?”. It can be stressful to feel unsure about how a therapist - and others - might respond.
But this is a lot to keep to oneself. Even when someone feels committed to not harming others, keeping a “secret” like this can make coping less effective. Everyone needs support and, when we don’t get it, it can make it more difficult to make decisions that feel good to us. Yes, this is probably one of the most difficult things to share that anyone ever considers doing. But asking for help is such a sign of incredible strength and also of a commitment to live a safe and happy life.
How to bring this up to a therapist
If you’re wondering how to start this conversation, it’s ok (and even appropriate) to start off by letting your therapist know that you have something to talk about with them that feels particularly difficult and vulnerable. Sometimes letting another person know how we’re feeling about a topic before discussing it can help us communicate the importance and sensitivity of a subject.
It’s ok to take time to open up so you may want to start off by letting the therapist know that you have had some sexual thoughts or feelings that have felt uncomfortable or are maybe even potentially harmful. It’s ok to not get too in-depth with the details to start off. You might say something like, “I noticed feelings or thoughts that I’m having towards children that feel sexual, and I am worried about this. I’m wondering what this could mean.”
What is expected from a therapist
Therapists' reactions should be understanding and free from judgment. You should be treated with respect and compassion. Most therapists understand that behaviors are different from thoughts and feelings, and can help you explore your feelings and thoughts more. They can help you address any concerns you have about what these might mean, and if it makes sense, can help you think about other resources and planning for safety and your own well-being.
If someone takes a risk, sharing these feelings and thoughts, and a therapist makes them feel like a monster or that help is unavailable for them, then this is not the right therapist to work with. There are therapists who specialize in sexual behaviors and feelings and who will understand that there are many possible reasons why someone is struggling with these types of feelings. They will have ideas about the best ways to support a person struggling in this way. They also know that having an attraction to children on its own does not mean that a person will sexually harm a child.
There is always the possibility that someone’s therapist does not have the experience to help someone with these feelings as not every therapist specializes in sexual behaviors and feelings. That does not mean that there is something wrong or terrible about the person who has these feelings. It just means that the therapist does not have the training for that one area. The next steps would be to ask the therapist for suggestions on people who can help, or if they may refer you to someone who is more specialized. Our Helpline counselors and FAQs are also good resources for finding a therapist who specializes in sexual behaviors and feelings.
Reporting Concerns
Many people worry about whether they will be reported by a therapist if they disclose that they have sexual thoughts or feelings about children, but having thoughts and feelings alone isn’t something that you should be reported for. We cannot always control our thoughts and feelings, and an experienced and skilled therapist will understand this and recognize that thoughts and feelings are different from behaviors.
If you are under 18:
There is the possibility that because you are still a minor, a therapist may want to include your parents in these conversations - not to get you in trouble, but to make sure they are aware so they can take steps to support you and keep you safe
If a therapist says that they need to make a report, it would likely be because they believe a child is at risk of being harmed or has been harmed. If they feel that they are mandated to report, they will contact the police or Child Protective Services (CPS) in your state. If this is the case, CPS will determine whether there is enough concern to investigate further and offer resources to help if they feel that this is needed. You can ask your therapist in your first session how confidential your conversations are and when they would need to involve your parents or reporting agencies
If you are over 18:
Similar to the response for people under age 18, if a therapist feels a child is being abused or is at risk of being abused, they would notify the police and/or CPS in order to report. You can ask your therapist some questions about their reporting policies before you disclose anything to them so you have some clarity about what to expect
Alternatively, if a client, no matter their age, were to disclose that they had the intention to be sexual with a child, then this may impact their therapist’s necessity to report.
Finding Help and Support
Our FAQs on Finding Help give some more information and resources about how to find a sex-specific therapist.
Our helpline counselors are also here to help you find meaningful support, and to talk more about navigating conversations with your therapist.
