FAQs: Concerned about a Friend
Worried about someone else’s sexual interests, comments and behaviors

Maybe you have seen something that has concerned you, or you overheard a friend say something that just did not seem right. Perhaps a friend has shared with you that they have thoughts or feelings about something sexual that seems harmful or even illegal, such as a sexual attraction for younger children or a fantasy that involves non-consensual aggression or violence, and you are wondering if there is anything you should do.

It can be uncomfortable or even shocking to learn that someone you are close with might feel this way. But if you feel you want to do something, there are things you can do and ways you can check-in with your friend. You don’t have to think this through by yourself. Read through the steps below or feel free to reach out to our confidential helpline for support or any questions you may have.

It’s OK to ask questions. Here are the most common ones we hear:

Have more questions? Text, chat or call our helpline

Why would someone sexually harm another person?

There are many reasons why someone might sexually harm another person. It is never OK, and someone who has been sexually abused is never to blame for the abuse and never deserves to be abused.

Some harmful actions are impulsive; and some behaviors are well thought out. Consent - what it means and what it looks like - may be confusing for some. Our FAQ: What is consent? talks more about what consent looks like.

Sometimes people struggle with social cues - those signals that tell us when we are crossing the line, such as body language and facial features. They may hear the word “yes”, but do not see that the person is looking away, is nervously playing with their hair or other similar signs. And some people have never been shown or taught what safe behaviors look like. But to be clear…it is never OK or excusable for someone to sexually harm another person.

Both kids and young adults can behave sexually in ways that can be harmful without understanding that they are being inappropriate or that they are hurting another person. Some people who sexually abuse another person may not know what healthy and safe sexual behaviors should look like. They might not have had access to healthy sexuality education and support, and perhaps they’ve had to rely on information that is not accurate. Some people have never been shown or taught what safe behaviors look like.

Sometimes, someone might rationalize their behaviors, such as saying, “they deserve it”, “this doesn’t really hurt them”, or “it happened to me and I survived.” These rationalizations are also based on inaccurate information, and again….it is never OK or excusable for someone to sexually harm another person.

Also exposure to confusing sexual situations, including mature material, like pornography and seeing lots of messages about sex that are harmful, unhealthy, unrealistic and/or aggressive in the media or at home, can influence harmful sexual behaviors. 

Additionally, the impact of one’s own personal experiences of abuse may be a factor, but to be very clear: people who have experienced abuse are not automatically going to abuse someone else.

A person’s own mental health may also be an influence, including struggles with impulse control, aggression, or depression. When someone is struggling with feeling safe themself, and perhaps dealing with overwhelming feelings, this too can play a part when someone’s sexual behaviors are harmful. 

Some of the other reasons children, teenagers and young adults might engage in sexually harmful behaviors include:

  • Relying on misinformation from others

  • Being naturally curious and not having proper resources to satisfy curiosity safely

  • Not having safe behaviors modeled by adults around them

Our blog “My boyfriend told me he molested someone when he was younger, but I don't understand how he could do that” may help to give some additional insight.

Regardless, again - there is never an acceptable reason why one person sexually hurts another person. However, understanding the different possible reasons can help us know how to reach out to help and support someone we care about to make safe decisions and get help. Share whatsok.org when you are concerned about the way a friend or someone you care about is acting.

Why would someone have sexual thoughts about a younger kid?

There is no single answer to this question. A small number of people who are sexually attracted to children meet the criteria for the mental health diagnosis, pedophilia - meaning someone who is regularly sexual attracted to children. Depending on your age, sexual attractions are fluid and changing, however, the majority of people who have had sexual feelings or thoughts about children do not fit this description of pedophilia and other factors contribute to their feelings. Much like the experiences described in the FAQ Why would someone sexually harm another person?, sexual feelings can be influenced by:

  • Not receiving accurate information about puberty and sexuality development, intimacy and relationships, consent, and boundaries

  • Cognitive, emotional and/or social skill disabilities

  • Confusing and overwhelming messages in both media and personal communications about sex, sexuality, and relationships.

  • Drug and/or alcohol influence

  • Situational conditions, such as ongoing exposure to a highly sexualized environment or images - like those found in child sexual abuse material (CSAM)

What’s most important to know is that most people do not want to have these thoughts or feelings, AND thoughts and feelings are not the same as behaviors.

If someone you know is feeling this way, you can let them know there is a place for them to talk about what’s going on - share our website and helpline with them!

How can I make sure my friend doesn’t hurt anyone (and help keep my friend safe)?

You’re a good friend and this is a great question! Remember that you can’t force anyone to get help but there are always ways to let your friend know that you care about them and want to help them stay and be safe.

Your friend may be feeling really alone with what they are feeling. Struggling with these thoughts and feelings can feel very isolating and overwhelming. Many people want help but don’t know how to ask or worry that others will judge them or shame them.

First, it is good news that your friend shared their feelings or concerns with you. Or even if you just overheard this, you can offer them a chance to get the help they need; maybe you can let them know there are resources out there so they know that help is available. Having an ally who is non-judgmental, supportive, and safe can be incredibly important. By talking about what you’ve noticed, you may allow your friend to open up or take steps to get the support they need to make safe choices for themselves and others.

Talk about it

It can be helpful to find someone else to share your concerns with - a parent or other adult if you are a youth, or perhaps a mutual friend or trusted confidant if you are a young adult. You want to find someone who can support you, and who also cares about your friend and can join you in a practical conversation about what steps you might want to take. Our helpline is available to talk with you as well.

It may be possible to talk directly to your friend as well, letting them know that you care about them and that you are worried about some things they’ve said, watched or the way they have behaved. These don’t have to be accusatory conversations - you don’t want to call them names or try to scare them, but rather you can let them know that you are concerned because you care about them and you would like to help them find help. If you think your friend could react in an angry way, this would not be a safe next step to take at this time.

Some ways to start the conversation:

“I care about you, and I really care about our friendship. I don’t want anything to get in the way of that for either of us. I hope it is OK to say to you that sometimes I worry when I hear you talk about (your girl/boyfriend, younger children, etc.) sexually. You mean a lot to me AND I don’t want anyone to get hurt – even accidentally."

“I heard this story about someone who was arrested for watching child pornography. They started by just watching regular porn, and then kept getting deeper into it. It is weird that we can access anything and then when we go too far, we can be locked up. I don’t want that to happen to you.”

“Hey man. You’re my buddy. When you say things like that about little girls, you are crossing a line in how you are treating (person or child). You know I care about you. But for me, if you are not respectful – that isn’t ok with me.”

Some things to keep in mind when talking to your friend:

  • Let them know that they are not alone and not the only person with these feelings; other people - both other youth and adults struggle with similar thoughts.

  • Let them know that there is help and support available for them.

  • Your friend may feel out of control and may not really understand why they have these thoughts and behaviors.

  • Your friend may be frightened or feel shame or guilt about their thoughts or behaviors.

  • Avoid using language that is shameful or accusatory. For example, saying to someone that they “are acting like a monster” usually shuts them down instead of helping them reflect on what is going on.

    • However - it is still important to remember and reflect back to your friend that any sexual behaviors with children is never ok, and that they are risking arrest.

  • Encourage them to seek out trusted professionals and support

If your friend is under 18, encourage them to seek out the adults in their life who are safe and care about their wellbeing. This might be their parent or caregiver, a teacher or coach, or a leader in their faith community. These adults can help your friend get access to professional support and can fill in other roles as a part of their safety plan. You can offer to go along with them during a conversation like this or help them practice what they’d like to say before they have this talk.

If your friend is legally an adult, you can also encourage them to seek out confidential and professional support. There are counselors who specialize in helping people with their sexual interests and behaviors, who are both caring and nonjudgmental. The ideal time to reach out for help is when no one has been harmed but there are some warning signs to what they are saying or doing.

Be a Part of Their Safety Planning

It helps when people have a plan about how to stay and behave safely that helps them to identify safe people they trust, and activities that they can turn to at times when they are struggling or feel at-risk. Planning for safety includes identifying and avoiding triggering or risky situations - situations where they feel like they are tempted to do something that is harmful or illegal. Safety Planning can be like one’s own personal rules for their own behaviors, or even a reflection of that person’s values and morals.

Older teens and young adults specifically can identify themselves as a safe person for friends to reach out to when they feel unsafe, out-of-control with their behaviors or even when they need a distraction from their thoughts. As part of your friend’s safety plan, you might offer to go for a walk, do an activity you both enjoy outside of the house, or play a video game together - maybe help distract them. Sometimes listening can also be powerful - you don’t have to have all the answers to hear what they’re struggling with, and you can always ask them how you can best support them.

If you are a younger teenager, you can still be an important part of your friend’s safety plan by also being a good listener and knowing when to ask for help from parents and other adults when your friend is saying or doing things that are illegal or unsafe. Helping your friend get help to avoid doing something harmful to themselves or others is caring for your friend.

Most importantly, feeling alone and isolated can increase the chance of someone doing something that is harmful and that they could regret later. Helping someone understand that they are not alone is a huge first step. Share WhatsOK.org and our helpline - we can help them think about how to find and choose a therapist.

What do I do if I know someone has watched sexual images of children?

This is such an important – and often difficult – question. If you are in this position now, this is an opportunity to help your friend but you’re not alone. We can help.

Of course, this is not an easy position to be in, and it might feel confusing to try and figure out what your next steps should be. The steps below are recommendations, and maybe they are not all the right ones for you - but the most important thing is that you do something. Besides caring for and helping your friend, it is also possible that you could help protect a child.

You can let your friend know that you are concerned about what they are doing; that you’re worried that 1) they are doing something illegal and 2) that is harmful - they are part of a child's abuse by watching these images.

Even if your friend is watching images of youth that are the same age as they are, these images are of children and youth in harmful and likely abusive situations. To learn more about this, take a look at our FAQs about pornography and child sexual abuse.

While you cannot make this person stop what they are doing, you can let them know you care about them and about the safety of others, and that you are asking them to think about what they are doing and to consider talking confidentially to a counselor about what is going on for them. You can ask them to contact Whatsok.org, and get more information about what kind of help is available and to talk about why this behavior is concerning.

If your friend is under 18, talking to an adult is important as well. Your friend is committing a crime, and they may also be experiencing some other difficulties in their life so getting an adult involved to help your friend have more control and thought over this type of behavior is essential. This can be your parents, your friend’s parents or another trusted adult.

Since this involves illegal activity, you might wonder if this needs to be reported to authorities. Yes, it should. This is never an easy decision but if a law is being broken and a child is being hurt, the next step is to contact either the local police, child protective services or make a report to CyberTipline if someone is viewing child sexual abuse material online.

What do I do if I know someone is sexually abusing a child?

This is the type of situation none of us ever want to be in, right? Taking steps to make sure that a child is safe; that someone who is hurting that kid stops. This is courageous, and good for you!

First: your safety is a priority. That doesn’t mean a child’s safety is second to yours but if you think that the person abusing the child is dangerous in some way and could become violent, do not do anything to put yourself in danger. You can’t help anyone if you get hurt. So, getting support to figure out how to handle this is absolutely the right thing to do.

If you are under 18, you should know that adults need to be responsible to keep children safe. The best thing you can do is talk to a safe and trusted adult in your life about what you know. Ask for their support to help a child who is being hurt. If the person you know is also under 18, it may make sense to talk to their parents - but again, you have to keep safety in mind. If these parents are not safe people themselves and are maybe known to be violent, then find another safe adult.

If you are 18 or over, it is strongly recommended that you contact either your local police or the local child protective services. (Find services in your state here.) Sometimes not everyone feels like contacting the authorities will be helpful, but this is to protect yourself, the child and even the person who is harming that child. Working with authorities and professionals will help everyone find the resources they need to keep everyone safe.

Depending on your relationship with this person and again, thinking about your safety as priority, you may want to tell them that you know about what they are doing, and that you want to help kids stay safe AND you want to help them stop abusing and get help. They might not know that help is available and you can let them know that it is - that there are counselors who are experienced in working with people with sexual behavior problems. And then share these resources:

If a kid is being hurt, the most important step any of us can take is to try and get the abuse to stop, and help the child get to a safe place. But none of us can do that alone - support and good information is important. Our helpline counselors can talk this through with you, and help you identify some next steps.