My boyfriend told me he molested someone when he was younger, but I don’t understand how he could do that

It can be hard to find out that someone you care about has acted in a harmful or abusive way. Recently, we heard from a young person whose boyfriend admitted that when he was a kid, he crossed sexual boundaries with a younger child. She was shocked and upset, but also wanted to understand his behavior better so she could help him find the right support.

Understanding Youth Sexual Behaviors

First, it’s important to know that kids' sexual behaviors are very different from adults'. The reasons why a child might cross a sexual boundary with another child are different too. Kids learn about what safe sexual behavior looks like by observing what they see around them—from friends, adults, media, and other sources.

When kids don’t have access to good information about healthy sexual development, or when they don’t see these behaviors modeled for them, it can be confusing for them to know what’s okay and what’s not. There are other reasons why a kid might struggle with safe sexual behaviors, including exposure to mature material like pornography, difficulty controlling impulses, mental health issues, developmental differences, or even because someone else violated their sexual boundaries.

Lots of Kids Struggle with Sexual Behaviors

This doesn't excuse her boyfriend's behavior—what happened to the other child was real and not okay. But it’s important to understand that he was at a different age and level of understanding when it happened. If his actions had been noticed back then, he should have been redirected, given information about healthy sexual behaviors, and possibly worked with a therapist who specializes in helping kids who struggle with these issues.

Research shows that over 77% of child sexual abuse is done by another child or teen. This means that situations like this happen often. Her boyfriend is not alone in looking back at his childhood behavior and realizing he crossed important lines. Not every child who harms another child will grow up to be an adult who harms kids. His past actions don’t make him an “abuser” or a bad person, but they do suggest that he could have benefited from extra support back then to stay safe.

What to Do Now

For the person who wrote to us, it's totally normal to feel shocked, upset, or overwhelmed by learning this about their boyfriend. All of their feelings are valid and okay. Ultimately, it's up to them to decide what to do next and whether they feel this relationship is safe and healthy to continue.

But part of their message was about wanting to help their boyfriend figure this out and find the right help to deal with and heal from his past actions. So, we talked with them about how they could help their boyfriend find a therapist who understands children's sexual behaviors and has experience supporting young adults who struggled with these issues as kids.

Also, being open, supportive, and nonjudgmental about his past behaviors can be a key part of helping him move past them. This isn’t always easy, so we also encouraged the person who wrote to find a therapist of their own. They deserve a safe space to talk, process, and work through their own feelings about what they’ve learned. This way, they can continue to support their partner while also taking care of their own needs in the relationship.

No one has to figure this out alone.

Our helpline counselors were there to support this person in learning about children's sexual behaviors and navigating the next steps, like finding more support. If you have questions or need to talk about discovering that someone you know crossed sexual boundaries as a child, reach out to us anytime.