Why a child can’t consent to sex
Here is a question we got recently, and that we have heard from others in the past, that we thought was important to talk about.
“I’m 17 and I’m attracted to kids, like between 8-10. I get that I can’t act on those feelings but sometimes I have a hard time understanding why it’s not okay.”
Having thoughts and feelings about children is not something that you can necessarily control or change. But it’s never okay to act on those feelings. Here’s why:
*Note: In this blog, when we refer to children we are talking about anyone under the age of consent.
The law indicates who can consent to sex and who cannot
There are laws in place around what age someone is old enough to consent to sex, called Age of Consent. Our society recognizes that children are not developmentally, emotionally or physically mature enough to make decisions about some things, including when to engage in sexual behaviors. Laws vary by state, but typically the age of consent is between 16 to 18.
Being sexual with someone under the age of consent, no matter your own age, is illegal and you could face serious consequences. Our FAQ: What will happen to me if I engage in sexually harmful behavior gives some more information.
A child’s permission does not equal legal consent
Even if a child gives permission or acts willingly, this never implies consent. A child is never responsible. A child’s permission or even if that child requests to play a sexual touching or watching game never excuses the adult or older youth from taking full responsibility for the interaction.
Sometimes people believe the child “wanted” to, say the child touched them first, or they may misread a child’s affection as sexual. They may think “Age is just a number” or “They look and act older so it’s okay.” But it is never okay to be sexual with a child, no matter what.
Developmental differences
We talked about how kids are not developmentally, emotionally, or physically mature enough to be sexual - and we wanted to expand on that to help folks understand more.
Children and youth do not have inherent knowledge about bodies, relationships, and sex. They are learning as they grow, and they are looking to the adults and older kids around them to understand what behavior is okay and safe. Kids don’t have the experience or knowledge to understand what sex is or what the impacts of sex are. Although it’s normal for children and youth to be curious about their own and others bodies - it’s not safe for them to be sexual with each other until they are old enough to make informed decisions about what’s happening.
Kids should have access to accurate, healthy, and developmentally appropriate sexuality education, and being exposed to sex and sexuality at a young age in an unsafe way can affect their ability to have safe and healthy relationships in the future. Even if it seems like the child is okay, or that they are enjoying it - they are likely being impacted in ways we cannot see. We hear from many survivors of child sexual abuse who say that having an adult or older teen be sexual with them was very confusing and scary - and even as adults they struggle with complex feelings about what happened that affect their daily lives.
Finding professional support
We often encourage folks to also seek out professional support if they feel at risk to cross a line with a child, including having uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that they feel unable to manage, or that bring up difficult or unwanted feelings. There are professionals who specialize in sexual behaviors and relationships to help people concerned about their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Take a look at our FAQs “Where do I go to get help if I am under 18?” and “Where can I get help for my sexual thoughts about children (as an adult)?” for more information on finding additional support.
If you are feeling concerned about your interactions with children, or you are having sexual thoughts and feelings about children, our helpline is here to talk through your next steps and resources that are available.
