What we say to people who are abusive
A 16-year-old reached out to us explaining his relationship with his girlfriend, and he described ways he used multiple abusive behaviors over a period of time. He described a power imbalance and ways he convinced his girlfriend into continuing sex acts she said she hated. She told him that she regularly cried while doing what he told her to do, but he did not notice, and he expected her to continue engaging in these behaviors anyway.
He also shared that his mom and his girlfriend had expressed – with words and with actions – that they didn’t think what he was doing was OK. He reached out to us to explain his situation and to ask:
Am I being abusive to her? If I’m such a bad boyfriend why won’t she tell me ‘no’, not do it, or break up with me? Her not wanting to be known as a ‘bad girlfriend’ sounds like such BS. If she’s going along with everything then how am I the bad guy here??
We are committed to being honest, supportive and caring to everyone who reaches out to us – even people who have harmed others. Here’s how we responded to this person.
Reaching out means you care
I'm so glad that you've reached out to us about this. First, to answer your question as to whether you're being abusive: yes, you're absolutely crossing boundaries. What you have described is a relationship that is not balanced in power. Based on what your girlfriend has shared, how she's feeling, and the fact that you had to convince her to do things, it sounds like your behaviors are not consensual nor respectful. Ultimately, if she is saying that she does not want these things to continue to happen, then it needs to stop.
This does not make you a bad person. This makes you someone who is navigating the world of sexuality and relationships as a teen. In fact, by writing in it sounds like you care. You even said that the last time she was over you felt really bad after she left. This feeling is telling you that something isn't right here.
Consent is about words and behaviors
While you feel like she wasn't speaking up about this until you asked, I just want to mention that her reluctance to do this, the fact that she needed convincing at all, was her way of speaking up. You are both young, and as a teen not everyone is able to say, "No, I don't want to do that." In a perfect world, everyone feels comfortable using their voice 100% of the time. But since the world is far from perfect, sometimes people just let their behaviors do the talking instead.
When you asked her about how she was feeling, though, she was able to say that she didn't like many different aspects of this. Noticing a partner's body language, emotional tone, and general mood are all parts of being a partner who focuses on consent. I think you could really benefit from looking through some of the resources we share on our site all about Healthy Sexuality and Relationships, so please consider taking a look.
It's really important to understand consent. Consent is something that needs to be enthusiastically given for every aspect of sexual behavior, every time you engage with someone. In this instance, your girlfriend has not been giving enthusiastic consent. To learn more, think about reviewing our FAQ: What is Consent?
Listening to feedback about your relationship
Your mom's feedback about what she's seen of your relationship is also information. In any relationship, there shouldn't be any convincing or being pushy. Instead, all activities need to be mutually informed, passionate, and agreed upon by the people involved.
From all you have described, this has been missing in the relationship with your girlfriend. Even though the specifics are slightly different, you might appreciate reading through our FAQ: "What do I do if friends have told me that I cross lines, but I don't know what to do to change?"
Be responsible for your behaviors
One important thing you can do is to talk directly to your girlfriend to take accountability for these behaviors and acknowledge how she may have been impacted by them. Understandably, it can be really hard to think about how to say these things to her, or how to approach a conversation like this. Keep some of these things in mind as you think about talking to her:
You might start by saying something like, “I see now that the way I’ve treated you in our relationship has crossed a line and even been abusive. And I understand how that probably affected you in a lot of ways.”
At that point, you can check in with her to see if this is something she wants to talk about more, and if she does, you can ask her to explain how she’s been feeling. Be prepared that it might be hard to hear what she has to say, but it’s important you just listen and not react. It’s also possible she might feel fearful about speaking up, so reassure her that you’re not going to be angry or upset and you are open to hearing these things. And be sure to keep your word on that – just listen.
After she’s done sharing her feelings about everything, you might let her know that you hear her, that you understand where she is coming from, and that you will take this opportunity to change the way you behave - you will respect her boundaries and make sure you have her consent for things you do in your relationship. Then be sure to follow through.
And this shouldn’t be the end of this conversation. Check in with her periodically to follow up and make sure that she is not feeling like any lines are being crossed or that her boundaries are being violated. This should be an ongoing conversation between the both of you, and you can show your growth in the relationship by following through with what you told her you would do.
Get help if you need it
Finally, this does seem like very mature sexual activity for someone of your age. Certainly, in mature, healthy, communicative relationships the types of sexual behaviors you've described can be completely consensual for all parties involved. But, that's not what you're describing.
With everything you’ve talked about, it may be important to talk to a therapist who specializes in sexual behavior. Below, I've shared a few different resources that can help you take next steps to seek this out. You may even want to use these links to share with your parents, to make it easier to talk about the type of help you're looking for.
FAQ: Where do I go to get help if I'm under 18?: This FAQ, and all the others linked on our Finding Help page, can help you brainstorm how to check in with your parents, or another trusted adult, about getting therapy.
The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) Referral Directory: Here you can begin seeking out a knowledgeable, compassionate, and sex-positive therapist or counselor This person would have the education and experience to support you around all that you're dealing with.
Thanks again for reaching out. If you have more questions, please don’t hesitate to email us back.
Why WhatsOK helps people who have harmed
We hope sharing this response gives you a sense of how WhatsOK responds to concerning and/or abusive behaviors. We are expert counselors who email, text, chat and talk with people about sexuality, sexual development and relationships. We know that when someone reaches out to ask for help, they deserve to be heard and to be helped – while being held accountable and shown how to make better choices and treat people better.
We offer the same compassion, support and help to people who have experienced harm, abuse or other unhealthy behaviors from someone else. View resources for survivors and people who have experienced harm here, or reach out to us any time.
If you have questions about your relationship, sexual thoughts and feelings, behaviors, or experiences, reach out to us. Our free, confidential helpline is here for you.
