What do I do if my parents won’t respect my privacy?

“What do I do if my parents keep coming into my room without asking? This might not seem like a sexual behaviour question but it kind of is since I change in there - which is normal and fine to do in my room I think. It feels gross, though, when they’re walking in on me all the time. I’ve asked them before not to come into my room without asking or knocking, but they do anyway. What should I do?”

Wow, what a hard thing to navigate. We were so happy that this young person wrote in to us to learn more about how to talk to his parents about something so important. It can be scary to advocate for yourself, no matter who you're advocating to. 

This young person is right! We talk to people who have questions or concerns about sexual behaviors. But privacy is absolutely a part of healthy sexuality development and is something that even small children should expect in certain parts of their life. There’s nothing wrong with speaking up when you feel like your boundaries are being pushed. But we understand it can be hard to find the words - especially when it is someone in authority - like a parent. Here is some of what we shared with this person about how to have this conversation with his parents:

“I'm sorry to hear this has been happening, but it's completely understandable that you would want some more privacy. These aren't easy things to navigate, especially with your parents. I'm hoping to give you some information and resources that will be helpful. 

First, I want you to know that it is completely normal and healthy for you to want privacy when you are in your room, and in fact that's something that everyone should have. There are certain places like your bedroom or the bathroom where privacy is always expected. Typically as children and youth get older, the more privacy you get and the adults in your life should respect that and make sure that you have all the information and resources you need to make safe decisions for yourself. Understandably, it can be difficult for some parents to understand and navigate privacy for their kids, but it sounds like you've done a great job trying to advocate for yourself so far. That's not easy to do! 

While we can't know for sure what's going on for your parents, it doesn't sound like their intention is to purposefully violate your privacy. But maybe they need this explained to them in a way that makes sense for them or to hear it in a different way. You might think about asking to talk with them at a time when nothing else is going on and you won't feel distracted. You could prepare by writing down ahead of time what you'd like to say to them so you feel more prepared in the moment. This could sound like,  "I know you guys care about me and we are comfortable around each other. But having my privacy, especially in my room, is important to me. It would mean a lot if you could show me you understand and respect that by asking to come in my room and then waiting for me to let you know it's okay to come in. This helps me feel safer and respected.

Since parents are also responsible for making sure that kids stay safe and aren't doing anything that could hurt themselves or others, you might also include something like, "I understand that if I did something that violated your trust or I was at risk in some way that I may not get the same level of privacy. Right now, though, I do feel like this is something I deserve."

Hopefully they would respond by respecting these boundaries and would start to honor your privacy by knocking and waiting for a response from you. They might have questions about what you want privacy for, or what you're doing in your room that you don't want them to see. You can share that you are growing and changing in your body, and that you are not doing anything wrong - you just feel that changing is something that you want to do in private. Something as simple as changing is a private activity that someone at your age should be able to do in their bedroom alone. You can also share that you are learning how to advocate for your own safety and boundaries with others, and that talking with them is a way that you are practicing this. 

One thing you could also do is to share this letter with them. This is an appropriate and understandably very important issue for you, and it is vital that they understand that wanting privacy is very normal and developmentally appropriate – and also for them to know how much it matters to you. They are always welcome to reach out to our Helpline as well if they have any questions. 

If you feel that having a conversation with them still won’t be effective, I’m wondering if you have any trusted adults in your family that you are close with that maybe can help speak to your parents on your behalf -  perhaps an older sibling or cousin, an aunt or uncle, or maybe even a close family friend. Another adult might be able to explain to your parents how you are feeling and the importance of you – of everyone really – to feel respected and to feel able to have privacy in their lives.”

Our helpline is here for anyone who has questions or concerns about these kinds of things so don’t hesitate to reach out to us.