Is my sexual fetish a problem?
“I feel really weird even saying it because I’m a girl, but I have this fetish and it’s the only way I can get off during sex. I’m not sure if that’s weird or not. My girlfriend seems okay with it, but I’m just wondering if it’s normal or if it could be a problem?”
First, it’s important to know that everyone has their own unique likes and dislikes when it comes to sex–regardless of gender, sexuality, and/or biology. For some people having a fetish is a normal and healthy part of their sex life.
Culturally, we often use the word “fetish” similarly with “sexual fantasy.” Sometimes “fetish” is also used to describe sexual behaviors someone really enjoys. These are not necessarily the same things, even though there is often overlap. Fetish usually means a hyperfocused on a situation or object of interest that it is necessary for sexual pleasure. Sexual fantasy is more like scenarios we like to think about that also helps with sexual arousal and/or satisfaction.
It’s not always something that people openly talk about and so it makes sense that folks might have questions about whether their fetish is normal and okay. We even have an FAQ called “Is it normal to have a sexual fetish and can it become a problem?” because this is a concern that we’ve heard more and more recently from people reaching out.
Warning Signs
Just like with any other sexual behavior, it’s important to pay attention to whether you may be crossing a boundary or feel unable to manage the behavior. When it comes to a sexual fetish, here are a couple of warning signs that someone might notice in themselves:
Violating another person’s boundaries or consent
Beginning to feel a compulsion - feeling like you have to have the fetish in order to feel turned on or feel satisfied, or feeling out of control of the thoughts surrounding the fetish and/or intrusive thoughts
Interfering with work, school, hobbies etc…
Negatively affecting relationships with family, friends, and romantic partners
Causing emotional distress or strong feelings of shame and guilt
And this isn’t an exhaustive list, someone might see other warning signs as well. Also remember that sexual interest and arousal can shift throughout our lives and this may be what you are interested in for the time being.
Understanding More
From what this young person shared, it seems like their fetish has become rooted in their sex life and they feel unable to feel pleasure without it which could be a warning sign for them. On the other hand, their partner seems to be consenting to this fetish being a part of their sex life and doesn’t see it as a concern, and they do not mention that it is causing any external issues for them.
We aren’t in a position to say “Yes, this is okay” or “No, this is not okay”, especially without some more information. But if you are taking a step back to ask whether something you are doing, thinking about or feeling is okay or could be a problem, then it is absolutely okay to ask for help to understand more. Therapists can often help us better understand arousal patterns - what turns us on. Sometimes the behaviors, situations, and/or objects we find arousing in fantasy or as fetish are not directly indicative of who we are.
You can reach out to our helpline with any questions about warning signs your seeing to talk through potential next steps or ways to manage sexual behaviors. Our helpline counselors are here to provide non-judgmental compassionate support.
