What are the warning signs that my sexual behavior may be harmful?
It takes a lot of courage to take a look at your own behaviors and check in about whether you may be crossing sexual boundaries. We hear from so many people who are trying to understand and learn about how to navigate sex and relationships safely. We wrote an FAQ called How do I know if my sexual behaviors are harmful? to help answer some of these questions for folks. But we felt like it would be helpful to also talk about some examples of warning signs that indicate your sexual behavior may be crossing boundaries or harming another person.
Not respecting boundaries
Consent is a clear and enthusiastic agreement between two people to participate in sexual activities that is freely given, without the use of force, coercion, or threats. For a more interesting explanation check out this video about consent.
Consent: It’s as Simple as Tea
Consent should include talking about the boundaries that both you and your partner are comfortable with. For example, someone may be okay with having oral sex, but they do not want to have intercourse right now. Pushing someone past their boundaries is problematic. Pay attention if you feel you know better than someone else what they might want to do sexually, or if you think your needs and interests are more important than your sexual partners.
Our own FAQ called What is Consent? might help to understand more about navigating consent.
Taking advantage of a situation
Taking advantage of a situation can look like feeling turned on or aroused, and trying to meet your sexual needs without caring about others especially when something might be going on for them that makes them vulnerable - and can result in you having more power and control in the situation.
If you take advantage of a situation when a person is vulnerable to get your sexual needs met this is harmful behavior. Taking advantage of someone can look like trying to be sexual with someone who: is drunk or high, is depressed because their previous partner broke up with them, or is worried about something as serious as being homeless because their parents or roommates found out they were gay. Trying to “get with” someone who is vulnerable can quickly become harmful. It is not a sign of a healthy relationship.
If someone has sexual thoughts, feelings, and/or fantasies about people who are vulnerable, such as a child or someone with severe intellectual disabilities, then this could be a warning sign. Having a single sexual thought about a child may just mean that your brain is processing something and that there is no “real” risk - but we can still pay attention. Acting on these feelings or thoughts is harmful and likely illegal.
Using force, threats, or coercion
There may be times when a partner does not want to engage in a sexual activity - even if you are turned on and aroused by them. Maybe they don’t feel ready, maybe they are tired, or maybe they are just not in the mood. If you force, threaten and/or manipulate someone into being sexual, this is no longer a consensual act. This can look like promising to do something nice for the other person if they have sex with you or threatening to share personal information if the person does not have sex. This behavior is not OK. No means NO. And a lack of Yes means NO. If the word Yes is not said, then it is a NO. At a minimum, it is harmful, and it is potentially even illegal.
Your own discomfort
If you are feeling uncomfortable with your behaviors, if you worry that you have crossed a line, this can be a warning sign. You are listening to yourself - that’s great! And your feelings are telling you something important that deserves more attention. Perhaps you asked someone to have sex with you, they seemed nervous or scared and didn’t say “yes” - but you went ahead and were sexual with them - and now you feel bad. If you continually ignore visual signs that someone is uncomfortable having sex - even if they go along with what you want them to do - then there is a strong possibility that the boundaries are not clear, and therefore can be harmful.
If you are recognizing some of these warning signs in your own behavior, we are here to help you in finding resources and support to make safer sexual decisions. Reach out to our Helpline to talk with one of our counselors more about what you are noticing in your sexual behaviors and what next steps might look like.
