The pastor’s husband is making my friend uncomfortable

A person contacted our helpline and told us that he was worried because his friend, who is 15, told him that her pastor’s husband has been making her feel uncomfortable and acts strangely. The friend said that this man pursues her and tries to be alone with her. On one occasion, he exposed himself to her under the table during a church meal.

His friend had just told her mother about what was happening because she was worried that he was bothering other teens in the youth program. He asked us how to help his friend and if there was anything they could do to report this. 

This is illegal

Clearly this man, the pastor’s husband, is not behaving safely. He is putting people at risk and making them uncomfortable. What he is doing is also illegal; purposefully exposing your genitals publicly is a crime in every U.S. state. Sometimes it is hard to know what is crossing a line. But in this case, his behavior is absolutely not ok.

In addition to the criminal behavior, this man also appears to have been acting in other questionable ways. Often, when we say that someone is acting “strange,” it can be hard to describe the “strange” behaviors. It’s just hard to find the right words. This tip sheet about Behaviors To Watch For When Adults Are At Risk may help put a name to some of his behaviors. For example, we describe some behaviors as ignoring boundaries when an adult pays extra special and repeated attention to a particular child or teenager, or when an adult tries to use sexual jokes and language to become friendly with someone who is a minor.  

Taking Action: An Adult’s Responsibility

Now that his friend has told her mom, this mom (or another responsible adult) should make a report to the police. Adults should be speaking up to keep children and teens safe from sexually harmful and illegal behaviors. His friend can also contact the police on her own, but the police will want to talk with her parents. So the best course of action is for his friend’s mom to file a report with the local police and share the information her daughter disclosed.

Speaking Up

This caller’s friend’s mom may also want to consider talking to the pastor about her husband’s behaviors. This can be a complicated conversation, and isn’t for everyone. We recommended that this mom contact our sister helpline, Stop It Now!, for help in this type of conversation. We are also concerned that this man was perhaps pursuing other youth. So it is important that he is not left alone with youth in any situation. 

Supporting a friend

It is so great that the person who reached out to us was there for his friend. It sounds like he really cares about her, and that makes a big difference when someone has been sexually harmed. We shared with him that he can help his friend just by being there, listening and checking in with her. If he hears her say that this experience is making her anxious or scared, he can suggest she ask her parents for help, such as counseling. And as always, we let him know caring about friends sometimes means hearing hard stuff that may be uncomfortable, and that he has a right to also talk to a counselor if he feels disturbed by what has been going on with his friend.

We were so sorry to hear about this experience. And we are so grateful that this young woman asked her friend for help. She did the right thing. And he is also courageously doing the right thing by asking questions about next steps and how to help further. This is how we can all speak up and respond to inappropriate or even illegal behaviors, help to stop this from happening any further and protect others. 

If something like this is happening to you or someone you know, you can talk it out and get support by reaching out to our WhatsOK helpline. Text, chat, email or call us now.