“I feel disgusting after watching cartoon images of children having sex.”

When a 16-year-old emailed our Helpline, worried about a time a couple of years ago when he – in his words, “looked at a comic online that involved children partaking in sexual acts.” He described feeling “disgusting and horrendous” over what he had watched.  He further said that he had looked at it a few times, not making the connection between this cartoon and child sexual abuse material (once known as child pornography*) with as he said, “fake children and the real ones.” He hasn’t looked at this type of content in a few years and feels he never would again, but he still felt like he did something very wrong. He was concerned he could never “lead a normal life” after viewing this. 

Many people have done something that later they regret and worry that what they did will forever affect them. It's a good thing to think about the things we’ve done, to reflect on our behaviors – both what we’re doing today and what we’ve done in the past. We can learn and grow by the mistakes we made, right? We believe it was brave of this person to think about what he had experienced and try to find some help and answers.

Curiosity is normal 

So first thing we wanted him to know: No, based on what he described, he did not do anything wrong. This type of content is out there, and chances are high that both teens and young adults are going to either accidentally run into or even look for it out of curiosity.

It is also normal for youth to be curious about sex, what it looks like, how it’s done, etc. And sometimes kids, teens and adults do look at sexualized cartoon images. Or they may even stumble upon child sexual abuse material (CSAM) by accident. And not everyone realizes that they are in fact looking at cartoons of children being sexually abused.

In fact, when we wrote back, we let him know that we were pretty impressed that he understood that the images he had seen were potentially abusive and harmful in their depiction of sexual abuse. And most importantly, that he was paying attention to how these cartoon images made him feel.

Clearly, he has strong feelings of disgust about what he had done. This isn’t deserved! We think he is being way too hard on himself. Taking responsibility is one thing, but hating yourself is NOT a part of that.

Again: we applauded his courage to reach out and ask questions, knowing that even this act of “asking for help” demonstrates that he was trying to be a good person. But clearly, just telling him to “get over it” isn’t going to help these hard feelings he has. It seems like he needed some help and support to think more about what he saw and how it affected him. 

Media is powerful

Certain images can be really powerful. Sometimes they can stay with us for a long time. They may be shocking or mesmerizing, or just really memorable and keep replaying over and over in our minds. They can even lead us to seek out more similar images.

When we are continually thinking about something we saw, it’s a good time to check in with someone like a counselor or trusted mentor. (This is particularly true when that image is disturbing, like it is maybe violent, illegal or harmful.)

Maybe this person was worried that he would look for cartoons like this again, or maybe he thought there was something wrong with him because he couldn’t get these pictures out of his mind and wondered if he was secretly attracted to them. Either way, he deserves a safe place to talk about the impact that this content may have.  

Support can help

All of these questions are reasonable. And yes, scary. Talking these over with someone, like a counselor, who understands that these types of concerns are real and who also understands about sexual behaviors and thoughts can help think about what someone needs to feel like they are safe. In this case, a counselor could help this individual deal with the feelings that the cartoons brought up. 

And most importantly, if needed, a counselor can help someone in this situation develop a personal safety plan to help him maintain his commitment to not watch these types of cartoons again. This resource guide on Finding Professional Treatment and Support has some good information about how to find help. 

Personal support is always super important. Whether it is professional support or a personal friend, having someone to talk to makes a huge difference. Having someone to talk about how you are feeling worried about something you did or how some experience is having a negative effect on you can actually help lower some of the anxiety. 

Sometimes we have done things in our past that were mistakes - and we never want to repeat that mistake again. Learning more about our own behaviors and interests, asking for help when we’re stuck or feeling confused about how we’re feeling or acting is how we learn from these mistakes. It’s how we continue to grow, and be the kind of person we want to be. 

Our FAQ: Is watching hentai or lolicon problem? may be able to answer additional questions on this topic.