Is it OK if I’m talking to a younger kid online?
“Is it OK if I’m talking to a younger kid online?”
This is a great question to ask! We have talked with many people who are concerned about whether their friendship with a younger person online is appropriate or not. The internet provides anonymity - people can pretend to be someone they’re not. Sometimes it’s hard to tell how old a person is, and it may not even be brought up. Other times it may seem unclear where the boundaries are with a younger online friend.
Many teenagers have reached out to us about interactions they had with a friend who they first thought was their age, but later found out the friend was actually several years younger. That can make them think back about conversations they had with this friend, and they worried that maybe they had talked or acted inappropriately. They felt shame and guilt, and they felt like they had done something wrong or been abusive.
We all cross boundaries sometimes. How you respond matters.
Bottom line: It’s really brave and responsible to reach out about this. We can all cross a boundary without knowing it’s happening. And it’s great to ask for help when you feel like you crossed a boundary, or even when you’re not sure.
The people who ask us about this type of situation have nothing to feel ashamed about. They had every reason to believe that they were talking to a peer. And once they became aware of their friend’s age, they took a step back and put up some important boundaries. Doing this shows a lot of self-awareness and maturity, and it is certainly not abusive.
Reflecting and learning matter.
Here’s a situation with another person who reached out to us. They thought they were talking to someone their same age, but even after they found out their friend was younger, they continued to talk about and share hentai with each other, which has sexualized stories and images. This person talked about how they felt like it might have been wrong at the time, but they continued, thinking they weren’t hurting anyone, since they were both actively participating in the conversations. Now, looking back, they feel like they crossed some boundaries and feel ashamed of their behavior.
This happens too. But no matter what, they are not a bad person. They acknowledged the line they crossed, and they expressed the desire to make safer decisions. That’s a great way to learn from this situation so in case something similar happens they will have a better idea of how to respond.
So, how do you respond?
How can you respond when you realize that you’re talking to someone younger than you online? Of course it may depend on how much younger they are and what you’re talking about. Finding out that someone you met in a forum for teen anime fans is a couple of years younger doesn’t mean that you can’t have a friendship. But it does mean that you want to pay attention to safe boundaries, even more so than usual.
Here are some good guidelines about friendships online:
Don’t flirt, have sexual converations, or share content that can be considered sexual until you feel confident that the person is telling you their accurate age. Knowing them in real life is the only sure way, but at least try to FaceTime with them.
Pay attention to what they say their interests are. Does what they say mostly match the age they said they were?
Notice how they talk about their relationships with parents and adults. Does this seem to match what you would expect for someone their age?
It would be so much easier if we could trust that everyone is who they say they are online but unfortunately, that just isn’t always the case. When questions come up about how something is playing out in an online relationship, it’s a really good thing to pause, find out more information, ask for help, get some support, and proceed cautiously.
