I was abused. Am I an abuser now?

We’ve heard from many young people asking for help because they were sexually abused when they were younger, and now they’re asking if they are destined to be someone who sexually abuses children. That is a really scary worry to carry! But it is a common question from people who have been abused. And some of the people who have asked us for help do worry specifically that maybe they hurt a playmate or younger brother or sister because, when they were kids, they played some sort of sexual game with them.

Here’s how we respond.

No one is destined to harm others

So first and most importantly, No! No one is destined to become a person who abuses other people. And we’re sorry to hear that you were sexually abused. It’s so courageous to reach out and ask for help to understand your behavior when you were younger. That’s really responsible!

Kids’ behaviors are different than adults’

Children’s and young teens’ sexual behaviors are very different from adults’ sexual behaviors. Kids often practice sexual behaviors because they are curious and/or they are copying what they’ve seen around them. When children behave sexually with other children, it most often isn’t what we might think of as abusive. Children don’t always know what behaviors actually are even sexual. And they certainly don’t always know which ones are ok and which ones are not. They may not understand things like permission, consent or boundaries. This is not to excuse any behavior, but it helps us better understand why children may do what they do. 

But as kids get older, they should learn about these things. As they learn more, their behaviors become safer. They start to know what the rules are, and they understand boundaries and respect more clearly. And they need support to be responsible for their behaviors so that they are safe.

Yes, some kids who have been sexually abused do go on to abuse another kid. But it’s rare. Plus, there are also usually other contributing factors, like whether that person got good support at the time they were abused. And even so, the reasons that a child may sexually abuse another child are very different from why adults may sexually abuse a child. 

Support is key

Bottom line: if someone is concerned about their sexual behaviors, then it’s time to reach out for help. Everyone deserves support and guidance to learn more about what’s going on for them. Asking questions about behaviors is a smart thing to do. It helps us take control of our lives and their behaviors. That is true for someone who was sexually abused or was not.

Everyone deserves a support network, so they don’t have to deal with anything alone. Often, a trained counselor who works with people who were sexually abused is the best person to talk with about this. Our Helpline helps folks think about what kind of support they would like and how to find it.

If you’re worried about yourself or someone else, have questions, or need to talk, we’re here. Text, chat, email or call our helpline.