I’m 16 and I’m dating someone who is 22, but the relationship feels healthy. Is this OK?

We recently heard from someone who had some questions about a new relationship they were in. This person said that they were currently 16, and they had met an older coworker (22) who they felt they really clicked with and developed feelings for. Here is a little bit of what they shared with us:

“I’m still in high school right now, and I have a lot of things that I’m involved in and I definitely don’t want that to change. Actually, he’s been really supportive and encouraging about what I’m passionate about and what my goals are. It makes me feel more motivated to do well and he makes me so happy. 

Where I live, the age of consent is 16, which I am, so it seems like we shouldn’t get into trouble for that. But I wonder sometimes if it’s normal for an older person to be interested in dating a 16-year-old. He hasn’t been possessive or tried to force me to do anything I don’t want to. He doesn’t pressure me to have sex, and actually we haven’t done that yet because I wanted to ask these questions first. Is it okay for me to keep dating this person? How would I know if it was not a healthy situation?”

We have gotten questions like this before, so we know it’s complicated and common. We wanted to make sure this person had the information they needed to make the best and safest decisions for themselves. Here’s how we replied.

“It takes a lot of maturity and insight to ask questions like these, and we are happy that you are looking for more information and thinking about your health and safety. 

There are certainly some things to think about. For example, a 22-year-old may have more experience than a 16-year-old in relationships and sex, and they have more insight about their own wants, needs, and desires. It’s totally normal for a 16-year-old to still be figuring all of that out.

Also, no matter the intention of both of you in the relationship, there is a natural power dynamic that exists because he is older and is legally an adult. Sometimes a teen may come across as more mature, or adult-like than their peers. This can make it seem like they are on the same level as an adult. But no matter what, there is so much more growing that you have to do – and deserve to have on your own time. 

This all said, I want to acknowledge that you have talked about many positive things in this relationship, including open communication and the intention of both of you to focus on and work toward the future you want. There are certainly happy, healthy couples with 6 years of difference between their ages. I encourage you to take things slow, recognize the potential challenges with your age/status difference and always practice consensual, respectful behaviors in everything you both do. 

No matter who you are in a relationship with, you should always make decisions about your life that are based on what you want and are not influenced by others. From what you shared, it sounds like he has been respectful and caring of you. 

If your relationship continues, it will be important to take note of any changes in the way that he reacts to your decision-making, and what kind of an influence he exerts over you, if any. Take note of any changes in the amount of time that you spend doing things that you enjoy, or spending less time with your friends. This could be a signal of an unhealthy dynamic beginning and would be worth revisiting a conversation about the relationship. 

Loveisrespect.org has some great resources that would be helpful for you in recognizing any warning signs that your relationship may be unhealthy or harmful. We also have a great FAQ: How do I know if my relationship is healthy? That talks more about some of the green flags that your relationship is healthy and safe. I hope that this information has been helpful, but if you do have any other questions that come up, please feel free to reach back out to us. Take care.”

Have questions about your own relationship, sexual safety or or someone else’s behaviors? Contact our free helpline to speak with professional counselors.