How do I know if my relationship is healthy?
This is a great question that anyone in any type of relationship should ask. Exploring the health of a romantic and/or intimate relationship (where sex is involved) is especially important so that everyone continues to feel safe and positive. Since WhatsOK is about safe, healthy sexuality, we’re going to talk in this blog about these kinds of relationships.
Features of healthy dating relationships
The crucial features of any healthy relationship are: open communication, trust, respect, honesty, an equal balance of power, and appropriate physical and emotional boundaries. In a healthy relationship, each person should be able to voice their opinions, needs, wants, desires and boundaries. And no one should be forced to do anything – especially anything painful, humiliating, scary, dangerous or illegal.
Sexual relationships are healthiest when everyone involved has accurate information. That means understanding sex, bodies, reproductive systems, safe sex practices and sexual development. You don’t have to know the anatomy of your body inside and out, but the more you do know, the more in control you are, and the more confident you are that you are treating yourself and others well.
Green flags in relationships
Green flags are some specific signs that you can look for in a healthy relationship. Green flags are positive things that show each person in the relationship is treating themselves and others in a healthy and safe way. Examples of green flags include:
Respecting a “no” the first time your partner says it, including in sexual situations
Encouraging a partner when they are doing something that makes them happy, like trying to reach a goal or learning a new skill or talent
Having space for each partner to spend their own time with friends and family, or to participate in their own sports, clubs, hobbies or activities
Communicating in a respectful, honest and open way and listening to the other person, especially when problems come up
Ensuring no one person is making all of the decisions in the relationship, and that you respect each other’s opinions, needs and boundaries
Good signs of a healthy relationship might look like this:
You and your partner have been together for some time and have been talking more about having sex. You each want to make sure the other person feels safe and comfortable, and that you have their consent. You both feel ready and have talked about your boundaries, limits and preferences. You’ve talked about safe sex and what your options are and agreed on using protection, such as condoms. It’s a good experience for each of you, and you feel respected afterwards.
You and your partner are hanging out and watching a movie. You have to go to the bathroom, so you set your phone down on the couch and let your partner know you’ll be right back. You leave your phone unlocked, because you’re not worried about your partner looking through it. That was a boundary that you both talked about when you got together, and you trust each other. You each understand that the other deserves privacy, and if one of you had a concern about something your partner was doing on their phone, you would talk about it with each other in person.
Your partner told you that they want to join the soccer team this year, but that would mean that they would have practice after school and games on the weekends. You usually hang out together after school, but you know that this is something that would make them happy. You tell them that they should go for it, and that you’ll be there to support them at their games!
Warning signs that a relationship is unhealthy
An easy way to think about an unhealthy relationship is to have a lack of the healthy features we talked about above. That means an unhealthy relationship lacks communication, trust, respect and honesty, and partners don’t have an equal balance of power and/or appropriate physical and emotional boundaries.
Sometimes being able to see the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship can be difficult, especially when they don’t seem obvious at first. But when you notice a warning sign, it’s okay to check in with your partner about it and revisit discussions about boundaries.
If you start to notice that there are a lot of warning signs or your partner is not willing to take accountability for their behavior, that may show you that this is not a healthy or safe person to be in a relationship with.
It’s important to note that there is a spectrum of healthy and unhealthy behaviors in a relationship. Most relationships have healthy signs and maybe an unhealthy one or two. But only you can decide if your relationship is healthy enough that you want to be a part of it and work on it together with your partner.
Red flags in a relationship
Red flags are some of the specific signs to look for that indicate a relationship is unhealthy. Some of these warning signs are:
Making a partner feel guilty for spending time with other people, even family
Blaming one partner for all of the problems in a relationship
Ignoring your partner on purpose instead of talking to them about why you are upset; sometimes silence is even used as “punishment”
Making your partner feel insecure about their appearance, something they are good at or their ability to do something
Controlling small details of your partner’s life, like what they wear, what they eat, who they talk to, or what jobs or colleges they apply for
Pressuring your partner into doing something, like having sex, even when they have said “no”
If your relationship is unhealthy
If you think your relationship is unhealthy, we’re here to talk. WhatsOK helps people understand their own behavior, their partner’s behaviors, and how to make healthy, informed decisions.
Contact our counselors with any questions you have.
You can learn more about your own boundaries and limits in a relationship in our FAQ about How You Will Know Your Boundaries are Crossed?
