I think I made my friend uncomfortable
Sometimes we just have a feeling that we’ve crossed a line - not intentionally, but our own internal warning light flashes on telling us that extra mindfulness over how we behave around others matters. For example, our helpline heard from a younger teen who was worried that they made someone uncomfortable. This teen described an encounter when he was talking to another friend and then started staring at this particular girl he found attractive, and also started talking about her. Since then he and this girl have talked and she hasn’t brought this up and seems OK - but he reached out to us because he feels concerned that he crossed a line by staring at her, talking about her, and potentially making her feel uncomfortable.
How we responded
It is pretty cool that this guy wants to be responsible for his actions, and that he is being reflective about his own behavior. Honestly, that is not easy to do - especially when a person is worried they may have done something inappropriate. We assured him that part of growing up is making mistakes. In fact, even adults make mistakes like this. But, when a person realizes they did something that wasn’t okay, they can learn and grow. We shared how fantastic it was that he’s taking these steps now!
We offered some strategies for him to become more aware and thoughtful about the way he’s treating other people and how his behaviors may affect someone else - which can include looking at how they're reacting to what he is saying or doing, either verbally or even through their non-verbal body cues (like crossing their arms, their face getting flushed, turning away, etc.). This can be our first cue that something we’re doing may not be landing well with another person or that they could be feeling uncomfortable.
And, we talked about how he can check in with his friend generally - without pushing for her to talk about this. We encouraged him to use language like, “Hey, I just wanted you to know that I care about you and value our friendship, and I’m sorry if I ever made you uncomfortable. You can always talk to me if I do something that makes you feel uneasy if that feels okay to you - sometimes I make a mistake, but I’m working on that!” or however he’d like to say that in his own words. This approach can take the pressure off of his friend to talk about this if she doesn’t want to (or if she doesn’t remember what he’s talking about).
Other important steps
We also talked about some things he can be aware of moving forward, such as:
When talking with friends about someone else, consider if you would say the same things to the person's face who isn't there at the time - if you wouldn't, maybe these thoughts are better kept to yourself, journaled, or shared with a trusted adult
Pay attention to how you are looking at someone. Consider how long and where your gaze is landing - sometimes people can feel uneasy when they feel like they're being looked at for a long time, or if someone is looking at areas that feel private to them
Ask yourself: how would I feel if someone was doing something uncomfortable or invasive - or was talking about me? Sometimes putting yourself in someone else's shoes gives you more information about whether what's going on is appropriate
And finally - be open to feedback. Sometimes it's hard to hear that we did something that made someone feel uncomfortable, but taking a step back and being reflective about the information other people are giving us can help us continue to be good friends
There are many resources for him to check out, and we invited him to check in with someone if he’s having big feelings from this - if he feels shame, anxiety, or anything else that doesn’t go away or get easier to manage with time. Having feelings is normal, but feeling overwhelmed means it’s important to find support, and not just struggle with difficult feelings alone.
We’re so glad this young person reached out! Asking questions like these shows a commitment and willingness to put time and effort into having healthy relationships. Our helpline counselors are here to talk with anyone who might have questions similar to this, so reach out anytime.
