What should I do if I am trying to avoid triggering situations?
We all have different things that feel triggering for us. Some are conversation topics, situations, or even people. By recognizing what comes up for us, we can make plans to stay safe and practice our boundaries.
Doing this work takes reflection and maturity – it’s great that you’re asking these questions! Here are a few tips to identify your triggers, plan ahead for tough situations, and stay safe when things feel overwhelming or unsafe.
NOTE: This blog is about triggers for young people who have unsafe or uncomfortable sexual thoughts about children. If this is your first time thinking about this topic, start here.
Identify Your Triggers
First, think about what kind of situations make you feel unsafe or at risk. Maybe it is being alone with a child, like taking a babysitting job or sharing a room with a sibling or other younger family member.
And this one may be harder, but often there are feelings that can make you feel triggered. Feeling lonely, sad, or bored can make you more likely to struggle with making safe, healthy, and legal choices around your behavior. This doesn’t mean that every time these feelings come up that you’ll feel triggered. But by paying attention to how you feel, you may find it easier to take steps to reduce your risk of engaging in harmful behaviors. Paying attention to the moments where you feel more concerned or that your thoughts, feelings, or behaviors are feeling unmanageable is an important first step.
Managing Difficult Feelings
Once you recognize what feelings are triggering for you, you can decide how to respond to them. Feelings can be uncomfortable, but they do not have to control us. And while we cannot always control when these feelings come up we can control how we respond in reaction to these feelings.
We also can begin to recognize when certain environments or situations bring up hard feelings. Sometimes we can avoid that situation entirely. If it is unavoidable, planning in advance for support can really help. For example, if you know that big family gatherings often bring up feelings of sadness, which can sometimes propel you into thinking about your sexual feelings for a child, you can identify what people you feel safe with at the gathering. Maybe ask them to check in with you during the gathering. Or you could ask a friend who won’t be there to be available to text or hang out if your feelings and thoughts start to feel too heavy to manage on your own.
For some people, a list of activities that help when they are having difficult feelings really helps and is part of a safety plan. You can put together a list anytime, and then refer to it when you need to. Some activities that might feel helpful include:
Reaching out to a friend - you don’t have to say why you need support, just that you’re having a hard time and it would be great to talk or hang out
Physical exercise, i.e. bike riding, hiking, swimming - moving your body is a great way to shift your thoughts and feelings
Journaling - writing down your thoughts
Cleaning - maybe re-organizing your bedroom
Music - listening or playing
Mindfulness – see more in our blog, “Mindfulness for managing uncomfortable thoughts”
Try a mindfulness exercise
For a quick distraction from uncomfortable or inappropriate thoughts or feelings that might be coming up for you, practice these exercises:
Clench your fists for 10 seconds, then unclench for 10 seconds. Repeat 3 times.
Take deep breaths in and out for one minute.
Name 5 things you can hear or smell, then 5 things of a certain color you can see.
Read a book, work on a puzzle, or choose another activity that requires focus.
Planning for Unsafe Situations
It's important to also think about how you can respond when you are in a situation that is potentially triggering.
What if you are asked to watch over a child who you have sexual thoughts and/or feelings about, such as babysitting or tutoring? Or what if you find yourself spending more time around a younger family member talking about sexual things? What can you do?
Ideally, it would seem the safest to not agree to watch over this child or to hang out with this younger kid. You can say you’re sick or that an emergency has come up. You might even say that you are dealing with some personal things right now, and that you don’t think you can take the responsibility or additional activities.
However, if you are going to supervise or spend time with a child or younger kid whom you are sexually attracted to, you can take the following protective steps.
Go to a public place where there are other people around, like a library, a park, or a mall. Think of any place you can be with this child that encourages you and the child to do something safe without needing to touch each other.
Ask a responsible friend or relative you trust to come over, or to meet you somewhere while you’re spending time with this child. You might say:
I’m not feeling too well, and I’m watching (or hanging out with) [child/youth] today. I’m wondering if you can come over to help. Maybe we can all watch a movie together?
I’ve been having a really rough time lately, and I’m not sure I’m in the best headspace to be caring for a child. But I’m watching [child] today because [parent] had no one else to watch them. Do you think you can come over while [child] is here?
Do not:
Help the child take a bath or shower, even if you were supposed to. You can say you forgot or that the child was too sleepy that night.
Change their clothes or help the child in the bathroom unless absolutely necessary (i.e., if the child needs their diaper changed). You may want to ask yourself if this can be put off without putting the child in danger.
Allow or ask the child to sit on your lap. You can say something like, “It makes me uncomfortable when people, even kids, want to sit on my lap. How about you give me a high-five instead?”
Touch the child if you don’t have to. You may need to hold a child’s hand to cross the street, but you do not need to continue to hold their hand once you’re across safely.
Watch tv shows, movies, or videos online with the child that involve sexual conversations and/or situations.
Practice what you will say when setting limits with younger children. Be clear on what is not okay with you, such as: lap-sitting, front hugs, kisses, any touch, helping them in the bathroom or bedroom, etc. Then have ways ready to communicate these boundaries.
We want you to know though, that you absolutely DON’T have to figure this all out on your own, and there is support available. Our helpline counselors can talk to you about other ways to stay safe and what resources might be helpful.
