I feel like I’ve abused younger children in my family
Recently, a 14-year-old wrote us the following:
I’m 14 and was sexually abused multiple times. I’m worried that I have abused some of my friends and some younger family members. I have developed an addiction to porn and seen a lot of things that are sexual. I think these things have affected how I act with others, like groping them and showing them porn so that they would get turned on - even when it made them upset. I think I pressured my friends to give each other hickies. I’ve been doing this for about 7 years and I feel horrible, like I’m a sex abuser.
My therapist is trying to help me and says I probably didn’t sexually abuse anyone, but that doesn’t feel good enough, and I want help. I want to do everything in my power to be safe. I don’t want anyone to hate me, but I’m terrified and desperate. Is there help for me?
Yes, help is available and possible!
Hard letter, right? It’s a good example of how complicated things can be. This person has clearly had a rough time and is now trying to make sense of it. And she is hurting others - she needs help to stop. So it’s incredibly important that she knows that YES!, there is help for her. She can learn safe behaviors, she can control her behaviors, and she can be a safe friend and family member. Let’s also be clear: she is pretty brave to ask for help like this. And it’s clear she wants to do the right thing.
Warning signs
For some people, their own sexual abuse experience can make sexuality and sexual behaviors confusing. Their own behaviors towards others become warning signs, behaviors such as:
Forcing someone to watch pornography
Bribing someone to do something sexually
Threatening someone with aggression for sexual favors
Keeping secrets about illegal or harmful behaviors
Obsession with watching pornography, or anything that has to do with sex
Trying to get younger children alone frequently
This person does seem to know that it is not ok to force someone to watch pornography if they are uncomfortable or to pressure others to behave sexually if they don’t want to - but she seems to feel out of control with her behaviors.
So when we responded to her, we also wanted her to know that it is not unusual for someone with her history to have problems with safe boundaries and behaviors, but that she was already doing great because she knew that some boundaries shouldn’t be crossed and that some behaviors just are not ok.
Get the right kind of help
So that’s what we told her. We thought it was great that she had a therapist she was working with but that it sounded like she didn’t feel heard. It sounded like she felt her therapist wasn’t taking her seriously. and that she felt like she wasn’t getting the help she felt like she needed. We advised her to pay attention to her feelings, and maybe talk to her therapist more specifically about how she was feeling and to describe in more detail what she was doing.
We also told her that perhaps this therapist wasn’t experienced in working with youth who have been sexually abused - and also with youth who are behaving sexually harmful with other kids. If that was the case, we thought maybe the current therapist could help this person find someone with the type of experience they need and shared a guide to Finding Professional Help. Also we mentioned that perhaps their counselor could help them locate a therapy support group for teenagers who have been sexually abused - it can help to hear how other teenagers are dealing with their abuse and what challenges they’ve had. We realize that this person probably feels uncertain talking about their own behaviors and we shared that it’s fine to take that one slow, but encouraged them to check out such a group as they might find out that other people who have been abused also struggle with safe sexual behaviors and uncomfortable sexual feelings.
Courage
It takes a lot of courage to look back on one’s own behaviors, and then when that includes addressing experiences of one’s own sexual abuse...well, that does take a lot of strength. It is remarkable that this young person is willing to do this. Their call out for help really demonstrates how much they care about others and want to take responsibility for their actions. They deserve the right kind of help and they deserve to be treated with respect and free from harm and abuse in their life.
